A Pain of a Different Kind

I haven't had this much time to myself in a long time. My working from home includes reading blogs, studying the net for any hopeful stories about early pregnancy bleeding, and eating Tums. I made a trip to the kitchen to get some water but was repelled by the cat box in the laundry room. I am sure, it doesn't smell like that to other people. I'm sensitive to certain smells and that is one of them. Meat is the other. Luckily I don't deal with that much.

 

As I was reading some blogs and catching up I found a new blog from an old blogger. This was the blog of a woman who I had many discussions with after she offered me 1/2 of the donor embryos she had. We had many e-mail exchanges. She was so kind and I was so devastated at loosing a different offer from our "neighbors" of their frozen embryos from a DE IVF cycle.

 

I was researching the details of how we might be able to accomplish this and e-mailing her with some pretty tough but necessary medical questions...when suddenly she just dropped off the planet. She never contacted me again. She stopped blogging as well. I feared the worst, that something had happened to her children or to her (since her husband has already passed away sadly). I worried. I e-mailed and nothing. I re-read all the e-mails thinking I had done something to offend her, said something wrong, asked too many questions. I shared my pain only with WW. Crying and not understanding WHY she didn't just write and say she changed her mind. I would have been okay with that, but the not knowing, the hoping and waiting, was terrible for me.

 

After a few months I realized that she had just bailed on me. Abandoned her offer and more importantly me.   I felt so stupid for worrying about her, for hoping and praying her family was alright. I was so mad at myself for being so gullible and opening up to her.

 

So when I realized who this new blog belonged to, I felt that pain again. I tried not to think about her and the days and nights I agonized over what happened, but I felt angry that she has so many supporters, some of whom read my blog too, and they will never know what kind of pain I suffered all because she could not/did not just tell me she changed her mind. That would have made all the difference in the world. One small e-mail. I would have completely understood and there wouldn't be this old regret and resentment hanging around.

 

I know I need to move past it permanently. I understand that some people can put themselves in other peoples shoes and would not be able to leave them hanging, and others can't or don't. I just wish things would have turned out differently.