Thank You

I wanted to be sure I thank each of you who stopped by to lend me support. As you know, words just can't express how much each comment has helped me this week.

 

My week has been one of the most challenging of my life.

 

I started spotting one week ago today.

 

On Sunday I woke up to find blood on my PJs and on the sheets. Later I bled several overnight pads worth of bright red blood and was passing clots without any major cramping. I received an ultrasound that showed two sacs, measuring the right size/age. I put myself on bed rest the rest of the day.

 

Monday, I called in sick. I was still bleeding but throughout the day each time I went to the restroom it was subsiding slightly.

 

Tuesday, I stayed in bed and worked from home. The bleeding was still going on but was becoming less on the pad and more just after wiping. It was red but diluted looking with dark red...flecks, is all I can describe them as. Like Kosher salt sized.

 

Wednesday, I went to work and to an all day seminar, where I was very sedentary. I had some discomfort before and after using the restroom and thought that I had a bladder infection. It was a weird sensation and I have never had a bladder infection before, so I thought I should get it checked out.

 

Thursday, the wiping blood was very minimal and getting less and less. I was starting to feel so relieved. We went to the RE late in the afternoon and I told her about the bleeding subsiding. She did an ultrasound and found the two sacs with two fetuses, and two tiny heartbeats. The were far to small to measure the beats per minute, but it was amazing to see them there. She was encouraged. She stressed that IF we could make it to 8 weeks, that the chance of the threatened miscarriage would go down to 10%. For the first time in a week, I let myself relax a little. I was feeling better too, encouraged but keeping in mind that we were still at 50% chance for a miscarriage. As it turns out I did not have a bladder infection. But when I was collecting the urine, the RE showed WW on an ultrasound picture that there was a clot situated right between the sacs. She said that it may have been the source of the bleeding or if not that it may be the cause of more problems. 

 

Friday evening, I was feeling pretty good because most of the wiping blood was gone. I was so relieved. We had planned a Halloween party two months ago and people were coming over at 6PM. WW did everything for the party, I didn't lift a finger. I was staying pretty mellow but I was more active than I had been in the last week. I did get up and down several time to answer the door. I had not carried anything heavy, but I was on my feet for about a 1/2 hour. Suddenly around 8:30PM, I was standing and talking and I felt a rush of blood. I was only wearing a panty shield so I rushed off to the bathroom, excusing myself. More blood, a bright red bowl full of blood. I wiped and there was a clot the size of a quarter, red, round. It didn't look the way I have heard the sac and fetus described. I was shaking and crying and could not control how my body was reacting. i was sick to my stomach. The fear was consuming. I pleaded out loud to myself to please stop bleeding. WW came in and we stayed together until I could calm down. She told our guests that I had a developed a very bad headache and was going to stay in bed. I went to bed. By that time I was in a catatonic state. I could not cope. I could not grasp the reality of what was about to happen. It was really the last 5 years spinning through my head. It was overwhelming. The truly disturbing part was that the cramps were constant. Not the kind of ache I am used to but sharp stabbing tearing pain. I took some Tylenol because just feeling them was driving me into deeper and deeper despair and totally hopelessness. I finally went to sleep. In the night, I got up 4 times or so. Each time there was blood but not as much. Still bright red, but the volume was decreasing.

 

It's Saturday now. I stayed in bed hoping that would have some effect. I have been bleeding less. It has reached a plateau where I am spotting on a pad but most of it shows up on the TP when I wipe. The cramps have never stopped. I have tried to distract myself with anything that will remove the horrible images of my two little heartbeats being ripped from the walls of my uterus. But I can't stop the dead baby thoughts. I feel so little hope. I feel so emotionally drained and I know that it seems harsh, but if I am going to miscarry 2 or 5 days from now, I just want to get it over with. Not so I can start another cycle, that is the furthest thing from my mind. My whole life is in turmoil. The fear is overwhelming. I am trying to find some peace and land there for a while but that is almost impossible. I am living minute by minute right now.

 

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday. The RE has said many times that if I am going to have a miscarriage there is nothing they can do. So running there every time I bleed will accomplish nothing but to see the two beautiful creatures that may be destined to end up dead. I can't bear that. It is likely that on Monday, they will both still be there, trying to survive while my body is bleeding them out. I don't know how to feel and I don't know what to do. So I sit here, trying to cope without having a full breakdown.

 

I wish it were better news. I really do. In my heart I feel that I am going to loose this pregnancy, it's just a matter of when.