On Love, Understanding, and Compassion

I have started many entries but have not sent them. Thank you for your comments and advise. I don't know what I would do without you. I really don't.

 

When I re-read my last post I am blown away by how much anger I had bottled up inside about this process. I had no idea. I've been like a caged animal who everyday works on a way to get out. It was good to get that anger out. VERY good. My own post validated how hard it has been and how much anger and desperation I have have not fully expressed. I needed to get that out. I needed to acknowledge that to WW as well, to validate her feelings. I spend a week just accepting her feelings, fears, and all she expressed to me. I understand that there needs to be some closure on this process. My words about when that closure will be are essentially meaningless to her, because I keep changing the playing field...IUI, then IVF, then ovum donation, then DEs... At some point she was being dragged through the process and she lost the emotional component of the journey. That has changed now.

 

The last few weeks have been a cleansing process for us that needed to happen. Now, I am far more receptive to hearing about her fears and feelings without being threatened by it. I realize now that at some point I stopped listening and simply became defensive toward her feelings. She has reconnected with me emotionally about what having a baby means to me. She knows that now is not the time to stop. I know she was feeling hopeless, just like me. It is so hard to carry on without hope. Now there is renewed hope in the air for us. Not only because we have re-connected on this but also because there are wonderful and beautiful souls out there lifting us up.

 

A kind of epiphany happened on Sunday night. We had an event on Sunday night and we were part of the set-up committee. We got their early with another couple. We were there with our girls. They were there with their three kids (two girls and a 8 month old boy). The key that we were given was not working. We were all taking turns giving it a try. After my turn at trying the key, the other mom and WW went around back to find another entrance. I was standing there with the kids when suddenly the dad (who was holding his baby boy) gave me the baby so he could try the key.

 

All I can say is that I was transported to another dimension. He was SO soft, SO squishy, smelled so GOOD. He was INTOXICATING to me. I think my endorphins shot through the roof! I didn't care about anything else. The world just faded to gray and all I could see was him. He was so beautiful. Cheeks like butter cream frosting. Ohhhhh sooooo lovely.

 

I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I held a baby. Maybe it was two years ago? It was a one year old. That's a different experience entirely. Lots of squirming and trying to take my glasses off. But this boy was divine and because of him I had a magical moment. WW and the other mom walked up to see Mr. Dad trying to open the door. I detected a little eye roll from Mrs. Mom while watching him try the key. WW walked right up and talked to the baby I was holding, of course, she LOVES babies. Then we looked at each other and locked eyes. I was fine until then, but I started to well up and bite my lower lip. Right then it was all so real. What could be.

 

My dreamy moment was broken by the sound of the door opening. Mr. Dad had managed to open the door. Mrs. Mom muttered to us, "Great. I'm never going to hear the end of this story." She took their baby back and we all went inside.