Yes, it is CD 36. Completely ridiculous. I cannot tell you how unamused I am at this recent development. None of the bleeding but all of the PMS. How is that possible? Other names I considered for this post were:
How much chocolate can one woman eat?
Uterus closes for winter due to lack of tourism
PMS, no longer a syndrome but a way of life
PCOS now offered on Daisy's IF menu
Uterus stolen over holidays while owners vacation
Again...How much chocolate can one woman eat?
In other news, we met with our neighbors again (potential donors). It's both good news and bad news. On the good news front, we have decided to take our situation to our RE and their clinic to see what steps and expense are pending if we were to go forward with the donation. Great right?
The bad news is that WW has told me that she does not want to go forward with TCC anymore. I cannot go into a lot of details here but she feels done. Not just with TCC but with pursuing another child. She wants to stop. Period.
I have been crying over this for days.
Friday, I woke up feeling horrible and devastated from that news. I didn't shower. I drug myself to work. I didn't want to see anyone. I wanted to crawl under a rock.
Saturday, much of the same. We didn't speak about it at all. I just walked around feeling broken and defeated.
Sunday (yesterday), I woke up and one phase popped into my head...tough shit!
I didn't come all this way...we didn't come all this way...spend all this money...invest all this time and emotional energy...to get this close and come away with nothing. No FUCKING way! Not when we have a donor couple that is willing to work thorough their awkward feelings to help us out...not when we are this close. That's just tough shit.
Okay, yes, I do agree with a lot of what bothers her too...
I don't want to be 43 trying to get pregnant.
I don't want to be X pounds overweight, probably in the worst shape of my life.
I don't want a (nearly) 10 year split between our oldest and (potentially) youngest children.
I don't want to have a 2nd mortgage and big ass debt.
I don't feel 100% comfortable having the donors be so close to us.
I don't want to get up in the middle of the night every hour or two for a year.
I don't want any of those things either...but I WANT to have a baby and Goddamn it THIS IS ALL WE HAVE TO WORK WITH!! So tough fucking shit! I don't get to chose what I WANT either.
I said to her on Sunday..."I deserve to have a baby. I am sorry it's hard and messy and fucking expensive, but I deserve it." Then I started to cry, weep. I just broke down because of all the other pain that is unspoken, wrapped up in my disintegrating hopes. She just sat there stunned. What is she supposed to do? She is WonderWoman, but she is no match for the power of these feelings, no match for the pain and longing that is infertility. I feel awful about it. I feel like I should just stop TTC because I love her enough to respect her feelings and she deserves that.
But I can't.
10 comments:
So painful. Can you give yourself the gift of a line in the sand, a limit? Maybe WW can go a little further with you if there is a set-in-stone stopping place. I'm sure you've already thought of this. But you could really drive yourself over the edge without some stop sign for the physical and emotional exhaustion. Your comments on other blogs are so genuinely caring. It's time the sun to shine on you!
I"m so sorry. My Dp and I had a similar issue back in November, not that she wanted to quit, just that she wanted "us" to be better and healthier. I didn't care and wanted to keep on TTC and it drove us apart for about 2 weeks and I was scared to death that I was going to loser her. i agreed to take some time off of TTC, and no more meds, no more clomid or injections or anything. I got pregnant once before without any of that and lost it, but I KNOW I can do it without those pills. I just say all this b/c I KNOW it's so hard when one of you is feeling one way and one is feeling the other. Counseling has helped us grow and become much stronger. I wish you and your partner all the best.
That is a difficult situation. I can understand WW wanting to call it good because it is so emotionally difficult. I can understand you not being anywhere close to making that choice.
I hope it is just fear on WW's part and this cycle will work and you two will be on the same page again.
Give WW some time. My own DH from time to time has called for a stop to the infertility treatment madness. Then, a few days later, he lets slip with some comment that completely invalidates everything he said before, we talk it out, and agree to keep trying. You let your wishes be known. Now let it all sink in and talk again in a few days.
You have definitely been inside my head, and around for some of our little "talks." Your discussion and response sound strikingly similar to the ones that have gone on at our house since my daughter was born. I'm in your shoes, and quite honestly, even though you have accurately captured the downside, I still want to go forward. I think I've worn my husband down. He won't be quite as old as Donald Trump when Baron was born, but close. I do appreciate his perspective, but I think that between the two of us, I will be hurting more if we walk away. Hugs. It's tough, I know. But no situation is ideal.
I've been thinking on this post for a few days. I hope my comment is still relevant. Your situation is so heartwrenching, and this latest news takes it to a new level.
The last few months for you and your family have been crushing. The investment and the hope and the disappointment were magnified by the thought that this was your last try that was constantly hanging over your head. At no point were you able to relax.
Under those circumstances, I can understand why your partner would feel done.
But I want to say that I think you're right. Tough tits. Life doesn't work out the way you want it to, but there are certain things that your heart tells you to throw yourself into, and every person on earth should have the opportunity to fulfill that.
I've been thinking about you ever since you wrote this post. I can relate to much of what you feel. I'm 47. I never envisioned trying to have a baby this late in life (God I sound old) but I want this more than I care about my age. And I think you do too. If our FET next cycle works there will be 16 years between V.'s daughter and our children. Our original donor was a friend, and even that too me was just too close for comfort, so I can't imagine having my donor live so close either. However, we will all do what we have to do to attain our goals and dreams. And I know that if our FET doesn't work, I'm not ready to give up.
aisy, you need to do what you feel you have to do. And I think, in time, WW will come around too. But I agree with some of the other commenters that maybe you need to give her some time. Step back from it. Give her the space she needs to deal with everything, then sit down and talk to her. I think things will work out for you both. My thoughts are with you.
oh daisy, boy have you been on my mind. I am glad I waited so long to comment, because gold star and pam said the things I was thinking - better than I could have.
I am wishing you both the best.
I don't even know what to say. This is so hard for you both, and yes, you deserve to have a baby. I hope that she comes around. Her feelings make sense too, but I am in your camp.
I hope that this all resolves. And I wish I could say or do something to help.
how are you?
just checking in....
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