Limbo

Hello from Limbo. That sort of sums it up. We have not moved forward nor backward with our conversations with the neighbors. In fact it just occurred to me the other night that unless spoken otherwise, we are going forward. Is that right?

 

I can't say when I have felt so utterly powerless. We have been stuck here in limbo for several weeks. Each day feels like 100 years. I don't know where I am with this. Am I looking forward to TTC in 2008 or am I looking for a therapist and some good drugs (hey, I'm not above vitamin P)?

 

I used to think I was lost and in limbo with IVF and DE IVF. To a certain degree I was, but nothing is like this. It's like I'm looking through the window at the best most beautiful present that I could ever receive, but I just can't make out what name is on the tag. Is it my name? Is it for me? I don't know. and the not knowing is keeping me in an emotional tailspin. Most days I try to put it out of my mind. Yes, on a good day, I don't think about it at all. When I do, it causes me great hope and profound sadness at the same time. What does a person do with that???

 

Today I am terribly sad about all of it. I'm so sad. I feel tired in my soul about all of it. I feel trapped between lost hope and hopeless. Do you know? Lost hope for all the failed attempts when I was so sure it was going to work...this time. Hopeless for anything better than I have have right now...a huge debt, a tear in my heart, and an empty pulling inside me that I wish would go away.

 

I was reading Kami's post today. Talking to her in my head. Telling her that I understand, as many of us do. Telling her to allow herself to feel the loss, grieve the baby that never was/will be. Suddenly, I realized how much these words applied to me. It is the pain of having to emotionally extract yourself from all that you have believed and felt about what your family would be. The dream, she called it. It hurts to throw everything you have believed and dreamed away. It especially hurts do reconcile the pain of leaving behind a dream that most of your life you have believed was a given fact...and that others take for granted every day. In Kami's case, her biological piece. In my case, ever growing and giving birth to a child. (I did not feel the biological loss that others have. Lucky.) Kami has a tiny life growing in her which doesn't heal her realized pain. I have two beautiful perfect children which cannot stop this yearning.

 

Before I go, I will share something that happened to me recently with our neighbors (potential donors). A market in our neighborhood, a land mark, recently changed ownership. A woman we both know, now owns it. After remodeling, etc. she had an open house...by invitation only. We went and our neighbors were there. As we were leaving we went over to say Hi and such. We were standing in the new patio area, under the outdoor heaters. It was very cold and the sun was setting right in my eyes. But I wasn't willing to move away from the heater, so I just stood there looking at her with the sun setting behind her. Squinting a bit, thinking that squinting causes wrinkles. Suddenly she said, "Oh my gosh. I never noticed what beautiful eyes you have. They are gorgeous and so unusual." I have been told this this before, it's very nice to hear. I started to say the usual, thank you and that they are really a gift I got from my parents...when I just stopped mid-sentence. I was struck by the thought that I will never pass on this color to any of my children and she will not pass on her beautiful blue eyes. Two remarkable, unique women, and our DNA goes no where. I felt tears threatening to come. I swallowed hard trying to push away the feeling. I don't think I would have had such a strong emotional reaction if it had not been HER. I changed the subject but there was a moment of this acknowledgement that passed between us. It got more and more profound for me as we walked away from the market. I will never forget that moment.