Last Day of 2007

I'm having an absolutely useless day at work. Everyone I need to work with, is off today. Why am I here? Insert your own sarcastic answer here __________.

 

WW and I have a tradition in our home on NYE. We put on some carefully selected music, bring out the expensive cheese and crackers, open a bottle of our favorite wine, and we toast out the old year and toast in the new year. It's a freestyle thing every year, not scripted, really simple in format..."Good-bye to X" (clink and drink) and "Hello to Y" (clink and drink). Sometimes we do all of our "good-byes" first then the "hellos".

 

Over the last 14 years we have only missed this ritual twice. It is a cleansing for us. We can briefly visit moments in time that we have cherished, or suffered, and then move on. After a couple of glasses it becomes almost spiritual. Some years this has been mind blowing and revealing, which has left us closer than we believed two people could be. Some years we laugh and have a great time, very light hearted.

 

Last year I was suffering a BFN at Christmas time and was sinking into the deepest depressing I have ever experienced of my life. I was at the edge of a deep soul sucking pit that would consume my days with grief and angst, and leave me numb nightly with insomnia. I can never let that happen to me again. I lost time then. Time I can never get back.

 

The fist time we celebrated NYE together was one of the best. We got dressed and went to different 3 parties that night (all adults, no kids). One was a silly string party. Most people there were in their fifties. People getting toasted, spraying silly string all over the house, and taking outrageous Polaroid's of each other. Another was a much younger crowd. There was a lot of smoking (mostly weed), eating (of course), shooters and a hot tub...if I recall correctly. The last party was at a good friend of WW's. It was a clean-and-sober party, lots of food, coffee, incense, and a bit of a pagan ritual twist. People were writing out what they wanted to leave behind in their life and taking turns burning it in a big bonfire. They had a long pole with a hook on the end, hanging from it a small metal cage. You put your note in the cage and watched it burn to ashes. I don't know if this was something they invented or what, but it was cool. Deep. Even though I didn't know more than 3 people, I did it. Afterward, everyone hugs you and says happy new year. It was really simple, but moving.

 

We left that party right before midnight and went back to WW's studio apartment. We were completely sober because WW was on-call at the hospital that NYE until midnight. At 12:01 am we cracked open a bottle of wine. We sat in the dark with only the the light of some tiny colored Christmas lights strung around a large picture window. It stared to rain and each drop became a new reflection of those tiny lights. The window was dotted and streaked with beautiful sparking lights. I sat on the couch alone for a moment. Under the blanket I was spinning the week old diamond ring around my finger over and over. I was so happy, beyond happy. I had no idea how much more happiness I would have in my life over the next 15 years because of her.

 

This year I do not know if we will be able to do our NYE. WW is getting over the flu and is on-call all night until 10 am on January 1st. Real life.

 

What would I be saying hello and good-bye to tonight? I wish I knew what the next year holds. Will we receive donated embryos from our neighbor? From anyone? Will we have a hidden monetary boost and try donor eggs again? Will we just stop trying? Move on somehow? Will we all be healthy and well 366 days from now? I wish I knew. I want to fast-forward to the end.

 

What I do know, is that I believe my life is like a book, and (for the most part) I write the chapters. I decide how a lot of the story rolls out and how a lot of the stories start and end. When I forget this, the stories become sort of senseless and regretful. So I need some time to decide what I really want to say good-bye and hello to tonight, before I lift the glass.

 

Have a safe one...D