Thank you for all your concerned comments. I'm doing better. I have a hard time accepting that we are down to our last attempt with "the one who waits" (1 blast in the ice age).
WW and I had a long conversation about where we are with the IF treatments. She would like to stop after the FET. She is very sensitive to my own desire to be pregnant, but at the same time she feels emotionally drained from "chasing what we don't have". As she put it, "I just want to be where we are and enjoy what we do have." I completely understand that. I told her I wish I had a switch inside that I could just turn to "Off" that would stop me from feeling this need to have a baby. I would do it, I would switch it off. Being on an emotional roller coaster is one big part of the deterrent to continue.
The other big deterrent is the money. We are re-financing our house this month to compensate for some of the debt IF has created. It has all be out of pocket for us, not a penny of insurance coverage. Getting deeper in debt is pretty scary for us. Again sacrificing what we have for what we don't have, keeps coming up as a theme.
We kept talking and I told her what I had on my mind. Here are the "cliff notes".
South Africa: We all know what they do there in Cape Town.
Me: Is this completely crazy?
WW: It is for us. Again, more debt, leaving our kids for 2 weeks, or taking them on a 35 hour travel one way. You hate to fly and you have only been away from our kids overnight once. Yes, it's crazy for us.
South America: I just mentioned it to her but I have done no research.
WW: Sounds a lot like South Africa, only closer.
Her eggs:
WW: I'm 43. My eggs are probably just like yours and I don't want to spend 20k finding that out.
Me: Neither do I.
My eggs again:
WW: I don't think you/we could take the emotional pain of that again.
Me: Honestly, if we had the money or insurance I would do it again, with PGD. I responded pretty well.
WW: (deep sigh) I feel like we have crossed that bridge.
Donor embryos:
Me: Remember we considered this a long time ago, but our doctor said that it was made very difficult because of new Fed Gov regulations? Essentially, a couple donates their embryos from a previous IVF cycle to another person/couple instead of keeping them forever on ice, donating them to science, or having them destroyed.
WW: It costs the same as an FET?
Me: I don't know. I think we pay for testing or something. I don't think our clinic handles these. I don't have a lot of information other than reading online. What I have read online is from, the best word I can think of is, "brokers". Many of them require that you are married for a certain number of years, etc.
WW: Well, they will be thrilled that we are an illegally married lesbian couple.
Me: Is this something we would consider?
WW: It doesn't sound unreasonable.
Me: It's a very slim possibility that our (tiny) clinic would have a couple willing to donate and/or that we would be chosen either by a couple or a broker.
WW: What about other lesbian couples who have done IVF?
Me: Well, I did "know" one (online) couple, but talk about finding a needle in a hay stack.
WW: Right. Well, let's ask him about embryo donation. You never know. Things might have changed.
I could tell after that conversation that it is hard for her to let go too. I know she still wants to stop, but she doesn't want the pain of stopping. I don't know what is going to happen. We see our RE one week from today. I'm hoping he will surprise us with a gift basket of embryos. Do you think that will happen? (frown)
4 comments:
Oh, Daisy - I'm so sorry I missed everything lately - I've barely been on. I'm praying that your FET works and you don't have to consider the other options.
Here's a message board for donor embryos - maybe this will help a bit and some of the other women will be able to answer questions.
http://www.network54.com/Forum/572336/
I think donor embryos is a great idea. I wish I knew how much harder it would be for a lesbian couple. The clinic I go to doesn't want to deal with donor embryos, but there are several clinics not too far away that do. Good luck what ever you decide.
I can understand not being able / willing to give up.
hi Daisy, just thinking about you and wanted to tell you that.
I hope the RE visit next week gives you some insights.
I think your ideas are fantastic. You can go cage diving with great white sharks off the coast of SA!! For some reason that appeals to me enormously.
Donor embryos are an amazing idea. In my opinion, so is trying again with your own eggs.
I advocate for more than one try at IVF with your own eggs. Obviously that comes partially from my own experience. But something my new RE said to me (after failed round 1) struck a nerve. He said that the first round is often just a trial. Nobody knows how you'll respond to the drugs, so they just use the most common protocol on you. Another protocol may yeild a completely different result with respect to quantity of eggs and quality of embryos.
Just my opinion. I don't mean to dispute WW.
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