Last night WW and I had a long talk. First, I told her that I'm really afraid that I will never know what it is like to be pregnant. That's one of the reasons we started this process. But along the way, I really got invested in having another child, we all did. It may not make sense but it's like a double loss.
Then I asked her to just listen without interruption to the stream of crazy thoughts (really more desperate than crazy) that I had been having. I just needed to get them out.
1. We could get a TS (traditional surrogate) and knock her up.
2. We could try with WW eggs, after all she is a "proven" donor, even if she is as old as me.
3. We could try again with my eggs. Maybe with a different protocol.
4. We could ask someone we know who is much younger to be our donor.
5. We could get donated embryos from another couple.
6. We could go to South Africa.
7. We could go to Argentina.
8. We could try to adopt an entire family of kids.
9. We could try a GS (gestational surrogate), in case the problem is simply my toxic uterus.
10. We could steal a baby that someone is not taking care of properly.
11. We could steal a baby from that family with the f*ing 19 kids.
12. We could try until we have to leave our house because we file for bankruptcy.
That was the gist of it. The sad thing is I was serious about everything but 10-12. She listened and that's what I needed. Get the crazy stuff out of my head, ya know?
Today was much better, but I realized that when I am alone I get really sad and depressed. I need to stay busy and around people, at least for a while.
Thanks for all your support! I have needed it. I have been leaning on you and you didn't even know it. Now, let's talk about YOU for a while.
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7 comments:
Not crazy. Except, yeah, 10-12, not such a good idea. I get a little nuts at the idea of not getting to be pregnant too. And don't say your uterus is "toxic," that's crazy talk too. I know how you feel, we're on DE IVF #3 and I can't believe it hasn't worked. But I'm fighting to (at least) not blame myself.
Hang in there, daisy. I hope the FET works for you. It's a horrible, powerless feeling to try to have a family, and not succeed... *sigh*.... I'm here, reading, and I'm supporting. Sending you hugs, sweetie. :)
Who said your ute was toxic?? That IS crazy talk.
What did WW think about idea #2? That doesn't sound like a crazy idea at all. In fact, none of them so, except of course, the last 3.
Don't you dare go to Argentina without us.
I hope you work out what's next. I wish DE IVF was a magic wand. There is so much invested in it, it's impossible to comprehend when it doesn't work, and so tempting to blame our bodies.
I'm sure your uterus isn't toxic!!!
These ideas are excellent. I like number 10 a lot, although I realize it could land you in prison, so I guess I shouldn't condone it.
I echo DG - don't blame your body! You are perfect. Bodies react differently to different drugs and I'm a believer in Blaming the Drugs.
Here and reading.
I understand exactly how you feel. I have had many of those same thoughts myself.
I'm sorry Daisychain. And I'm sorry I just got caught up and didn't say so sooner. I'm glad you have your WW to help get through. Positive thoughts for the FET.
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