From the Funk to the Frying Pan

I'm feeling better now. Thanks for the comments. It's nice be reminded that there are others in this boat.

I called the ED coordinator and told her of my pathological need to be fully informed. I said I didn't want to be a pain, so to avoid me calling on a daily basis, we should hammer out the tentative schedule. She agreed and I have my calendar through August. I know nothing is in stone, but it helps me let go of the obsessing. It calms me just to look at it.

I sat down with my DP (WonderWoman) and we went over the schedule. Just when we were rapping up, she decided to close the discussion with this little tidbit...

"I think that it would help you a lot if you would use the [waiting] time to loose some weight." ((HEY, HO, WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT?)) I could feel my earlobes getting red.

I must have gotten quite a look on my face because she immediately said (in one long sentence) "Pregnancy is really taxing on your body, it helps if you are in better shape, especially at your age, there can be complications, I just don't want anything bad to happen to you, or regrets that we didn't take better care of you before hand, we need you in this family...I love you, I want you to have the experience you deserve.". She really did end it well.

Then I said the unthinkable..."You're right. That is what I need to do.". She was very brave to even bring the subject up and when the whole PMS thing is going on. VERY brave. But she is right, as much as I hate to admit it. I just haven't been proactive (using a word I hate) about it, because in the back of my mind I just didn't think it would happen. Now, using donor eggs, we have raised the odds considerably and I need to take that more seriously.

The whole body image, weight thing, is a big issue for me that I have tried to be at piece with for many years. I was the only overweight kid in my family of 8 and my sibs felt completely justified teasing me every second. My mother did as well. It was extremely painful for me and guess what? It made me eat more and more and more.

I grew up in LA. You know the very close to the beach, overly tanned, anorexic, always have sunglasses on, $300 flip-flops area. My zip code was 90210. Ring any bells? So I was really obviously not that. By the time I was in high school I weighed about 180 lbs. I wrote that on the back of my school ID at the end of my sophomore year, because I couldn't believe it.

The last two years of high school I moved out and lived on a farm in central CA. The woman who owned it was my parent's friend of a friend's cousin, or something. Anyway, not related to us. It was a business.

During the summers, the farm was a ranch for the children of rich parents who wanted to spend time skiing in Aspen not dealing with their kids. Kids would come for a week to 8 weeks, depending. Some kids never went home, they "boarded" there year round, went to the local school, and worked on the farm (ironically they usually went home for the summers). So there were "summer kids", "school-year kids", and "year-round kids". I went there as a "summer kid" before I started my Junior year of high school. I ended up being a "school-year kid".

It was so different there. Being a bit on the heavy side was considered kind of good. It was "meat on your bones"...not lean meat of course...but it was a totally different culture. LONG story short, I have spent years trying to be who I am and that comes with accepting that I am not the ideal weight. Still, I know that pregnancy is a different experience than I have ever had and I want to embrace it believing (hoping) that it will happen, and by doing my best.

So, I am just going to exercise more...deliberately. Not just by gardening or unloading the car after a visit to Cost*co. I mean on the treadmill and with some light weights. I can do that much.