Heart to Heart

My wonderful partner (Wonderwoman) and I had an agreement all along with IVF treatment; we would try twice. We couldn't afford to even try once (since our excellent insurance covers exactly zero dollars for treatment) but we would get a loan to cover 2 tries. The RE had a shared risk program that *amazingly* I qualified for (wasn't too old yet). Wonderwoman knew that we were probably going to end up with two attempts and no success.

In many past conversations, I had told her that IVF would provide me with some piece of mind. That doing IVF would mean we had really given this a 100% chance of working. Then, I wouldn't go through the rest of my life full of the kind of regret that comes with not trying. I could be at piece about it. I really believed this. I really believed it after approaching her with the idea of "just" 6 months of IUI, then "just" 12 months of IUI, and "just" 2 IVF attempts. But the finish line kept getting moved out further and further. More money, years of uncertainty, more tests, more meds, more shots, more hopes and fears. For Wonderwoman we had left her comfort level a long time ago.

Did I "convince" her to go forward each time? No, not really. The thing about being in a relationship with a woman, especially a woman who has given birth to two children, is that there is no need to educate and convince her about how life-altering and amazing pregnancy and birth are. She knows. She would never deny me that opportunity. She had great concerns about the money, stress, and the fact that we have two children already...but mutually exclusive from that she "gets" the enormity of creating another human being.

While in the 5th of the 6 week wait, I was completely at a loss about how to approach the idea of donor eggs. We never considered or discussed it. But the feelings and desperation sat there in my heart waiting to be voiced. How could I ask her to consider this? Donor eggs are like IVF on steroids...more money, more drugs, more people, more questions, more social implications, more complexity, more, more, more! And (yes, I am starting a sentence with the word "and") when she was already out of her comfort level, how, how, how could I possibly approach this idea?

Finally I sat down with her to have a heart to heart. I asked her to put aside all the other factors, fears, and logistics and just listen to my heart...with her heart. Because she is truely Wonderwoman, she was able to do just that.