The 6 Week Wait

After the failed IVF the clinic recommended that I have a post IVF consultation. The only problem is that they have a mandatory 6 week wait policy. SIX weeks! My whole life had been based on major life altering ups and downs during two week increments. This 6 weeks crap was not going to work for me.

The first week after the failed IVF, I just walked around in shock. It wasn't the shock of not being pregnant, it was the shock of it all ending so abruptly. There was a horrible absence of routine that had revolved around the shots and pills. Now all the meds and syringes just sat on top of our fridge...idle. I couldn't look at it. Doing anything with the meds would mean that I had reconciled something, or figured out the next step, or accepted the failed IVF...and none of that had happened.

The second week I became extremely depressed. It was a kind of depression I had never felt before. It was intense, pervasive, and debilitating. The sadness was crippling. I felt hopelessly suffocated by it.

Once before in my life I had dealt with depression. My sweet young friend of many years was dying from ovarian cancer. I was in graduate school. We had just bought a house that was supposed to be a "cosmetic fixer", but in reality was a ravenous money pit. My parents were living with us for 8 months and we had a 2 year old. I couldn't continue being effective in my life with my dear friend dying. I knew that I had to do something, whatever it took to make it through. I went to my MD and asked her to give me everything...anti-depressants, referral to counseling, acupuncture...everything. She did. I followed that course for one year and it worked for me. It saved me.

The depression after the failed IVF was not grief. I did not feel that I had lost something. I really feel to this very day that it was hormonal and chemical. I felt like any happiness or ability to be happy had been drained out of me. I felt dead inside, depleted. I cried many times a day fearing that I would become stuck in the depression for the rest of my life. I tried many things to affect it (diet, exercise, meditation, writing, indulgences, etc.) and nothing worked except time. After four horrible weeks I started waking up in the morning feeling like myself again.

The fifth week, of the six week wait (to see the RE), was all about revelation. I couldn't even begin to think about what our next steps could be, while I was in the grips of depression. In the fifth week I knew. I knew that if I wanted to give myself the best chance for pregnancy, I had to use donor eggs.