It seems that I have forgotten how NOT to try and get pregnant. Since having Ethan my mind continually drifts to trying again. After all, getting pregnant is what consumed me for the last 6 years. Before that, it didn't consume me it just haunted me. I do feel a big empty place where for 6 years was filled with appointments, REs, needles, pills, semen, eggs, monitoring, etc. Looking back I feel overwhelmed by what a commitment it was. If it wasn't for the blinding drive I had to become pregnant, I never would have made it through the process. I tell myself, "Look at him. He is HERE. There is no need to go searching for more.". Another thing troubles me, my other baby, his twin. I want/ed that baby so much. I grieve the loss still and most likely always will. I know that overall I am so lucky to have gotten pregnant and had the experience of pregnancy and have my little guy here with me. But still, I lament. I want both my babies. I try not to spend a lot of time in that space, but it comes to me, everyday.
To top it all off, there are the embryos. The rest of them. The potential genetic siblings of Ethan. I didn't know how much that would effect me after he was born. I have to tell myself that the embryos are NOT HIM. He is here with me. Still donating them feels like giving a part of him away, especially since he is a baby from double donors. The SD is willing to disclose after Ethan is 18 (if we can find him). The ED will always be anonymous. I feel like for him to connect on a genetic level, he may need a genetic sibling. Maybe not.
I have thought a lot about how to deal with our embryos. I feel so connected to them. I/we cannot have another child from my body nor from WW's. On top of that, I feel that our family is really complete as it is. So my dream scenario is to get to the point where I can let those embryos go to someone (if they get pregnant) who will maintain minimal contact with us over the years so the option for him to meet any genetic siblings is there. He may not want that. He may not need that. All I can do is create the option.
Genetic siblings are a big controversy among some donor recipients. Many parents do not want or feel the need to connect solely based on genetics. I am squarely in that camp. For me genetics do not make a family. However, I am not my son. His feelings about it may be entirely different and that is why even at the tender age of 4 months old, I am trying to provide options for him.
Both our daughters are genetically WW's, so they will always know one genetic parent. He is just in a different boat.
If you are new to the reproductive technology scene, please notice that I carefully referred to genetic relation not biological relation. This is because in the egg donor world, I am his biological parent, just not his genetic parent. It's all very complex, but so wonderful that this technology exists.
Just going back now to the driving force I needed to have a baby. I realize now that in my life there is always something BIG going on. Something that I need all my will and guts to get through. I realized a few weeks ago that the BIG something is gone. I felt lost, adrift. All this power and no where to apply it. I started thinking about remodeling the house. Visiting all the National Parks. Having cosmetic surgery. All of these things are not what I want right now. I just want to be here now. I want to live in these moments. Just stand still. So I am dealing with that. When I feel the impulse to run straight into a BIG thing, I just tell myself...I have everything I need right here.
While I am on the subject of change, what will I do about my poor neglected blog with so little readership? I am not going to Faceb00k. I will not Twi77er. What will I do? What will I write about? I did decide that I still have some rather big processes to go through. The embryo donation for one. I am also still reading your blogs in lurk mode. I hate to sound like an Oprah guest but...if even one person can learn something helpful from what I have experienced, then it's worth keeping my blog. If I get the point where I have nothing to blog, I guess I will just be still.
Another bonus at the end of a long and rambling post. My guy.
6 comments:
He's adorable. Keep blogging when you can - always nice to see an update from you.
I'm always happy to see a post from you and one that has been successful with DE's. :) Someone is always reading, maybe not always commenting. And he is so cute.
I heard someone call it "Destination Addiction". One is always looking forward and not living in the present moment. Most of us have it.
OMG - he is so beautiful!
You probably have more readers than you know (we're all on bloglines or google reader, so it can be deceptive).
When I felt like you are feeling (actually, still do), it was because I needed to try for another. I have always pictured myself with two children. I can't imagine just one, even though the one I have is priceless. It may not work for me again. But I know that restlessness.
You know, you are more to us than your infertility journey. Tell us about life with the little dude. Trust me, he's going to start actually doing stuff soon.
And I totally understand about the feeling old stuff. Because, um, I'm older than you. And it is hard. But there are lots of things that you can do that don't require lots of energy. I'm totally not a park person. But I'm a baking person. And a walking person (if you insist). And a crafty person. And on and on. You'll find your niche.
What a beauty! I have learned so much from you along the way- it really has helped in many ways...it was inspiring to be along for your journey.
Amd I'll keep reading....
I love your blog! I'm glad to know your procedure was successful! Your son is wonderful boy! I wish you and your family all the best! My dh and I were ttc for a very long time. I've got pregnant in 2009 and we thought that finally our prayers were heard. Unfortunately my pregnancy ended with a miscarriage. We've lost our son and it was shocking for whole our family. I couldn’t get back to life for a long time. I’m glad I have my dh. He gave me support I needed the most. We wanted to have kids so much, it was our only dream. Living childless life wasn't a variant for us. We were thinking about adoption at first. But we wanted our child to be genetically related to our family. Still I had some doubts. My dh looked at this procedure positively. It would be his child anyway. I thought I would be just some woman, who will carry a baby. I have a fear, that everyone will notice it's not mine. I thought it will be obvious and people will talk about it... Also I watched a tv show about de ivf. Some children started to look for women, who shared eggs with these kids' mothers. That was so sad. Those mothers didn't deserve such attitude. They made everything possible their children to have all they need and even more. And here is gratitude. But as this procedure was our only solution of our problem, I made a decision to do it. I should say de ivf is a very good option. I had this procedure in 2014. I've got pregnant from first attempt. We were on seventh heaven! Our girls were born in May 2015. We've just celebrated their first birthday. We used Ukrainian clinic BioTexCom. We are happy parents now! I have no regrets. As soon as I knew I'm pregnant all doubts were wiped out. We decided not to tell our daughters we used donor eggs. I think children' mind is not ready for such info. This fact will change nothing for them. The most important is to give them love and care. I consider myself as their only mother. This is everything they need to know.
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