Double Trouble

My ute is finally recovering from the transfer. I was so sore and I felt the spot where the catheter jabbed me on the left up until today. It has started to relax. Of course I am battling the mental insanity of the 2 week wait. I wish I could say that I am at peace. Sometimes, for several minutes, I am.

 

My BETA results will be on Monday. It seems so far away, but too soon. I'm not ready. Good thing it isn't tomorrow! I don't know what I will do if it is negative. We have more embies (which is a great thing), but no money (which sucks). Anyway, coming back to the present now...

 

I have been using the warm wash cloth technique and massage on the old arse. That does help. It's amazing how HOT a wet washcloth can get in the microwave. I had to take the first one out with salad tongs. I have since learned to adjust the time. I'm not a complete idiot, but sometimes simple things do escape me.

 

I have a blood test tomorrow to see if the estrogen dose will need to be adjusted. I can tell you that my number is nice and high. I feel upset for no reason, I cry with little provocation, and I laugh hysterically when it's really only kinda funny. Homoneacoaster. Injectable hormones are the closest I have ever gotten to being pregnant. That makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time.

 

Generally though, my attitude is pretty good. WW's attitude is great. She does do some joking complaining about when the "twins" are born, but overall she has been great. Last night we were on the couch and she asked me what my dream scenario would be. One, twins, boy, girl, eye color, hair color, personality...the whole deal. After we talked a while she pointed out that everything I said was followed up by something negative. Everything. It was sad for us both to see how afraid I am and how that comes out as negative. "Live a little" she told me. "Just dream up your most desired wish." She pointed out that at this point living it up in a little fantasy is not going to make it any worse if the results are negative.

 

So I finally did. We talked about it for a long while. It was so freeing, so not IF. So wonderful. I was so captured by it I almost didn't let her talk at all. But, finally I said, what do you want? She said what she always says, happy...and tall. Comes from all that time she spent raising Great Danes. It was a wonderful moment.

 

So what did I want? What do I really want? Don't call me crazy, but twins. It's not about getting our money's worth. I really do want twins. Now before you think I am totally nuts you have to know that twins run in my family. I have two sets of cousin twins, uncle twins, and two of my sisters had twins. I don't know, it just seems right to me.