Tomorrow is the day I have been waiting for all year, well, one of the days. I am having my first ultrasound of the cycle. Plus they are going to want the balance due, but I am trying to ignore that part. When I was looking at the schedule for the next two weeks, I started to freak out. It could really happen. I can only hope. It could really not happen too. At this point I feel more prepared for it NOT happening than happening. That's okay. I think it's better that way for me.
The last couple of weeks in Blogland have been tough. Pam and V getting a BFN, Tracey getting a BFN, Vee and Max's cancer, and the post from MaryEllen at Not According to Plan. Heartbreaks, all of them. I feel very connected to how much they have gone through.
There are lots of happy stories out there. I hope to be one of them but there are no guarantees.
We have kept our TTC under tight wraps the last 5 years. In the beginning we told many friends. But after a year passed and IF was diagnosed, even if improperly, we just let people assume we had stopped.
Before we were on this journey, we had friends who were TTC their second child. One of the women, Sally had given birth to their first child after IF treatments and IVF. She had an auto-immune issue or anti-bodies issue, I can't remember exactly. After 3 years, they stopped trying with her and moved on to the partner, Jen. Jen was much older than Sally and about to turn 41. They tried IUI, then Cl*mid, then one IVF with her own eggs, and bingo, one baby born when she was 44.
Through their process they told everyone. They are full disclosure kind of people. WW and I had all the thoughts outsiders have. Why don't they adopt? Why isn't one child enough? Why don't they "just use" Sally's eggs and Jen's uterus? We thought they were SO extreme. So many shots! An exorbitant amount of time and money. We couldn't understand why they were going to such extremes. We were supportive, but we didn't understand and I am sure we made some comments that were unintentionally insensitive. We were far more sensitive or at least made more of an effort than many of their other friends.
So when we started down this road, I made a conscious decision not to tell our friends, even our closest. I didn't want them to be in the same position that we were once in, ignorant, insensitive, and possibly hurtful. After all, I felt very sensitive about the fact that we already had kids, the fact that I was over 38, and the fact that I was out of shape. Plus there was an unidentified embarrassment/shame about being infertile period. A feeling that I was defective. I wouldn't come to understand feeling that for years.
When I read MaryEllen speak of being unable to UN-TELL your IF story, it made me so glad that I did not. I would want my friends to know, because they could offer support, but I was afraid that it would go the other direction. As it turns out, I am happy I did not tell many people.
WW had an appointment with our GP last week. She is a woman we love and adore. We have been through many situations with her. When WW mentioned that we were going through another cycle, she replied with "She's still trying to get pregnant?" raised eyebrows. As ambivalent as WW still is about it, she replied "Yes, we are." God I love that woman. She is the one who will fight by your side right or wrong. Only time will tell if any of our actions are "right or wrong", but I only have one life (in my belief) and I have to live to it's fullest potential. Nothing has brought me more meaning or joy than my family. My wife and my kids is where my my deepest happiness resides. I can't throw that out the window because of some raised eyebrows.
4 comments:
Each of our next cycles are going to be the ones for us. I'm hoping for both of us. As for the un-telling part, I read Mary Ellen's post as well. There are some people IRL who don't read my blog, and aren't aware of what's going on, and as far as I'm concerned don't need to know. Yes V has this idea that since I put everything out on the internet they will just find it so what's the big deal. He has agreed when I request that we don't discuss the cycles with some people but I know he thinks I'm nuts. But I figure (and maybe naively) that if the person doesn't know the blog exists, then they won't go looking for it. Stupid maybe, but at least in my mind fewer people are privy to everything. I don't regret blogging about our journey, but perhaps I wish we hadn't told so many of our friends IRL.
I know exactly what Mary Ellen meant in that post.. it is true. I wish I hadn't been so honest.. even with all my family. I hate "dealing" with them at this point.
I have never shared my blog with any of my IRL friends. I needed a place to just talk and vent without hurting someones feelings. I am glad I kept that to myself.. becuase like ME said. you can't untell.
I am glad you dont have to go through the crap of everyone knowing and everyone feeling entitled to know what your next step is... You are SMART girlie!
Anyhooo.. I am wishing you SOO much luck and I am very very VERY excited for you :-)
xoxox
Tracey~
I am happy that I shared. It makes me feel like I am doing something to raise awareness. I am sure more people than I know of don't really understand, but they don't tell me so I can't get angry. The ones that do say something . . .well, sometimes I love a good discussion.
I completely understand the not-telling too!
Mostly, I am just wishing you tons of luck this cycle!
I wish you all the best with this cycle. I get raised eyebrows too. I don't share all the IF stuff, I just say we are still trying -- your doing WHAT at your age? No, they don't say it, but you can tell they're thinking it.
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