Hello World

OMG I am posting and updating my blog!!!

I can't believe it myself. I took a good long break from blogging and my commenting is hamstrung by my work "environment". I seem to have almost no time once I get home, but that will be changing. You see I have resigned from a very (did I say very?...VERY) time consuming position on the board of a non-profit organization. I will be ending my formal position on Dec. 31st but functionally I will be out of there by end of August. Thank goodness, it's almost over. For five years I have served on the board tirelessly and one day last month, I just crossed over to DONE. So very done.

Four weeks ago WW and I had long talk about "the baby thing", as we tend to call it. I realized that I was in a torturous cycle of tyring to decide if we should try again or stop...daily...multiple times a day...okay, constantly. I sort of confessed to her that I was in a big downward spiral and I needed her help to climb out. We talked it out for about 2 hours (which lately is a long time to stay on one topic) especially this one.

I cried my eyes out. I think I was grieving over all the hope and loss in that 2 hours. Sometimes, it just comes back in waves. My body has been through a lot in the last 4 months. The profuse bleeding, the biopsy, the meds, the mood changes, a torn shoulder, and lots of signs of aging...I mean really! I think it had a cumulative effect and I was just tired, so very tired.

After all was said, we decided to try again. A fresh, shared cycle, with the very promising donor our clinic recommended. I don't know how to feel. But every try is a new chance. It may never happen for me. I understand that. I think I can live with that. But for the time being we are on for September...when I will turn 44 (for f'ing-sake).

Since we decided to go forward ALL the insanity I was having is gone. It was one of the promises* I made to WW. If she was going to put our feelings, our money, our sanity, etc. on the line to try again...I had to promise to let go of the obsessive thinking about it. Just let it be what ever it is. Let go of the money, the age thing, the daily dialogue, etc. I have worked on that every day and it has paid off. I don't feel consumed by it right now. That is the best gift I could have given myself.

I still read about 75 blogs per day. It's not that hard if you keep up. I can't comment at work like I used to, but my heart is on the line for all of you trying. I smile at the beautiful posts about your children. Laugh with you at your mistakes. Cry with your pain and tragedies. Thank you for sharing your piece with me.

*Sometime I will write about the other promises I made to WW.