I felt every word of your support, encouragement, and sympathy from the comments regarding the end of our donor embryo situation. Thank you is not enough. You have always been there for me.
As for me I am hanging on. Every time we have had a hurdle I have held plan B, C, D, E, F, etc. in the back of my mind and I have let that help carry me through the pain and disappointment. I've thought many time about how psychologically unhealthy this might be. Is it running away from facing my pain? Is it like replacing an x-lover with a new one to buffer the loneliness? Will it catch up with me? Will it somehow be worse when it is really over?
I don't know what these answers are but I suspect that I have not let myself fully feel what it is to go through this process. I also think, if we agree to end this journey and I never get to be pregnant/baby, IT will manifest Itself in IT's entirety and descend on me like an avalanche. I can literally feel IT waiting for me. Not pretty. I also know, no matter what happens I will get through it...I just don't know who I will be when I come out on the other side.
When I write these words it doesn't seem like me. Not the happy, optimistic person I believe myself to be. I wonder...when did this stop making me a stronger person and start making me crumble?
I will let you in on a little secret that I alluded to in an earlier post...someone in our online world offered embryos to us if things fell through with our neighbors, as I suspected it would for some time. The person who made this offer is generous and kind. What troubles me is that I have not heard from her in long while. She has a very busy life, but as I waited each day for a an e-mail from her, IT started to inch closer and closer to me, watching my every move. IT is sitting here, right next to me, waiting.
My body, never failing to seize an opportunity to eff with my mind during these lulls, decided to have the most horrendous cycle ever. It all started 20 days ago when I started cramping and bleeding so badly that I could not function. I took mega doses of M0trin and Vic0din, just to survive the onset. Four hours later I was gushing blood. Over the last 20 days I have had three more painful episodes just like that first one. In between, constant clots and gushing blood. Soaking a pad every 20 minutes for 17 days and ruining countless pairs of underwear and pants (not to mention one seat cover).
I called one of the REs to discuss and he said I may need a DC, which is common after a miscarriage. Your read it right, common after a miscarriage. To which I said, am I having a miscarriage???????? You told me I was not pregnant. He stopped, asked me to wait, and then apologized. He said my "symptoms" were very similar to a miscarriage but that since my BETA was negative it was just as common with advanced maternal age menses. At my request he will be ordering tests that are not as pretty as advanced maternal age menses, like ovarian, uterine, and endometrial cancers. I can't take a chance.
Yesterday, it slowed to a light pad day...4 of them, but still. Today just one light pad, so far. Most likely, I will end up having a DC anyway, if the bleeding does not stop completely and my cycle stays bizarre.
That's what I've been up to...how about you?
6 comments:
Sorry to hear that AF is being such a b*tch. I'm sure that it is nothing serious. My cycles have gotten weird too. As short as 21 days (down from my 31 day regular cycle that I had for most of my adult life). They seem to be heavier, but now I have an "intermission" in the middle where things just pretty much stop for short while. Sorry if that's TMI. Just trying to say that it really doesn't have to be anything serious; cycles do get effed up in perimenopause.
And, I do hope that you get your B, C, D, E, or F.
Oh gosh, that is awful. It does sound like the miscarriage I had - I hope it is just stress, nothing more.
The friends I have who expect to have spare embryos seem to be moving away (emotionally, not physically) from me. I'm don't know why - perhaps they just want to put all the IF behind them. If we continue to stay in touch and the relationship heals a bit, I will still be asking them about the embryos.
Did you ever check out Pacific NW fertility? I think I said their wait seems shorter than some places.
I hope you get your next best chance too.
I'm so sorry. Hopefully all is ok and it is just a freaky cycle.
I wish I had some words of advice or wisdom. Just know that my heart is with you.
Hi Daisy, just catching up...i'm sorry to read what you've been going through. truly. Please know that you are in my thoughts.
I just came upon your blog when looking at sites for donor eggs. I am so sorry for all that you have been through. I am also very much behind schedule and I wish we could both catch a break.
hey friend. I am so sorry that things have been rough lately (boy, does that sound like an understatement). I want you to know that I am still here thinking of you and hoping.
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