When Crazy Comes to Town

I don't even know if I should blog this. It could try expose the depth of my craziness. Well, I think we have gone there a few times already, so here goes.

 

Ever since the FET I have been having weird cycles. For those of you playing along at home, here is the overview:

 

The Saturday after Thanksgiving I had a transfer of one embryo (early blast). There was not much to write home about. It looked okay after the thaw and had a little activity the day of transfer. Overall, it was kind of sluggish for the 6 days of it's out of body experience (5 before freeze, 1 after thaw). But like good soldiers in the TTC battle we ponied up the $6,000 bucks and did the transfer. After the transfer my clinic did a 7 day and 9 day beta. They were both negative, less than zero, it said in my chart. Less than zero. That's pretty negative. I stopped taking all the meds. 7 to 10 days later, I can't really remember how many I had a CD 1.

 

Unlike after other failed cycles (medicated IUI, IVF, & FET), AF was mild, very mild. Then two weeks later I had some mid-cycle spotting. That has happened to me after every failed cycle. No red flags no big deal. I do remember thinking though that I really wanted a productive cycle. I wanted to get it all out, clean house, start over...but my body did not cooperate.

 

Then, you may recall, that's when I went into a big non-cycle. No AF for 50+ days. This is when crazy came to live with me, follow me around, talk to me, haunt me on a regular basis. I couldn't understand why AF had not started. My entire life I never got a break from AF. Plus, I have a 25 day cycle, so she visits more often than most. So I talked to a nurse at the clinic and she gave me the talk about how at my age it isn't abnormal to have a missed period...surprised it hasn't happened before now...blah, blah, blah...don't worry when you are ready for another attempt you will certainly have a cycle...blah, blah, blah.

 

But in the deep dark crazy part of my head, I kept thinking that I could be pregnant.

 

Okay, there I have said it (still thinking about pressing the delete key).

 

I thought about POAS. That seemed like fanning the crazy flames. I wrote HPT on every grocery list, then scratched it out before shopping day. I did the CSI wipe EVERY time looking for any sign of AF! I talked to myself about it. "Of course you aren't pregnant...you have no symptoms...you have no evidence...less than zero, HELLO...it's just a weird cycle...you're old...uterus is on strike." But then CRAZY would say..."maybe it's pregnancy spotting...maybe you just don't have any symptoms b/c some women don't...maybe it worked...maybe it kind of worked and it was a m/c...maybe you need a d&c...the only way you will know is to POAS...but if it is a m/c then the POAS may not be conclusive".

 

But then, AF started to roll into town. Finally!, I was starting to feel normal and relieved and back on track...except, she didn't really stop to visit. I had 3-4 days of spotting. No cramping. Nothing normal. Not a cycle by any one's measure. My RE tells me that if you have bled the equivalent of one regular pad over the course of the day, that is considered a CD 1. Well then, I have not had a CD 1 in nearly three months.

 

But in that span I have done many other things:

 

Taken my share of M*trin.

Taken cold medicine af few times.

Gone to St*rbucks, regularly.

Drank pleanty of Diet C*ke.

Woked with paint and checmicals in a non-well-ventalated area.

Forgotten to take my vitamines for a week.

Had copious amonts of sushi.

Had a least a drink a week. Three on Superbowl Sunday alone!

 

I've engaged in many non-pregant activites! So when CRAZY comes around talkin smack, the thought of being pregnant causes me much stress.

 

All that being siad, I know I am not preganant, dispite what CRAZY says. But sometimes I think I should start shooting up the leftover L*pron for a week just to get CRAZY to shut the fuck up!