I don't even know where to begin. This is what I want to say...
I asked them for their precious left over embies.
They said yes.
I had baby/babies.
We went on with our lives.
Wouldn't that be great? But life is so much more complicated than that.
Here is what is on deck. I can't go into major detail. I have no idea who is reading this. The donor egg world is small in blogland. Now you know why I wanted to password protect some entries. That being said, I can tell you that many feelings are under consideration right now.
Our concerns:
It would not be anonymous.
We just met them. We like them, but I don't feel we would ever be their "best friends".
They live on our street, two blocks away.
Would it just be too strange/uncomfortable in some, unknown to us today, way?
How would our girls and any baby resulting from the donation feel about the donor parents?
Knowing how open they are, we would be sort of forced into the open about it as well.
Their concerns:
We are gay. Even though they are VERY open minded, they have expressed concerns about what it is like to be raised by two moms, in this society.
We live on the same street.
How would they feel if any future child looked or acted like one of their children...or the husband? Would that be weird for them?
That's where we are right now, just in the process of understanding our feelings. Sadly, you can't know how it will play out in the future. Some of these first feelings may vanish completely. Things we never thought about may surface.
Your thoughts? We are in uncharted territory here. Lost in the woods.
I will write more later. Just had time for a quick post.
11 comments:
It sounds like you are all communicating with each other and that seems like a promising start. And, it never hurts to understand what you are all feeling and what you are all concerned about. Would going to see a therapist of some kind who specializes in donor embryo situations be a possibility? I don't know if there are many therapists out there who specializes in this kind of thing but it may be worth looking into.
Ultimately this is a decision that you guys will have to make. But from my experiences, I personally was much more comfortable with an anonymous donor. Originally a friend had volunteered to be our donor. I was never totally comfortable with this for several reasons, but mostly because we would have been socializing regularly with them. We've since had a falling out so it became moot and we moved onto an anonymous donor. Once we made the decision I was much more relaxed and positive about the whole experience. I think if it were me, I wouldn't be happy just with the proximity of the donor knowing that they'd be wondering if my children looked/acted like theirs. Anyway, that's just my two cents, but as I said, it's ultimately your decision and just how comfortable you all are with this.
Living in the same neighborhood, nevermind same block, IS fraught with problems. Emotions about children cannot be counted upon to be rational --- they are primitive, despite our best intentions. But you are not cemented in that neighborhood; you can relocate. The donating couple should not have to know their biological offspring lives next door. It's mind-bogglingly difficult and you should not bear the consequences of their difficulties. For whatever it's worth: accept their gift and if a pregnancy results, move away. Best wishes.
Any chance you would consider working with a clinic out of town? or how about having some frozen ones shipped to your local clinic?
As I have toyed with the idea of frozen embryos the issue of geographic proximity has also given me pause. With my luck I would know the people through some six degree of separation - especially since all my friends have used the same RE.
If you are in a state that will adequately protect your legal rights to your child/ren, then why the fuck not.
To me it sounds like you've done everything right. It's so important to get everything out in the open, which is exactly what you've done.
This is awesome. I can't help but think you overheard that conversation for a big fat reason.
Donated embryos are very, very hard to come by. People talk about doing embryo donation like it's easy, but it's a long shot you'd ever get one. If you can get good counseling and some good legal documentation, I'd go for it. If it gets weird, you can move.
Call me crazy, but I think it can work. A friend of mine entertained the idea of using my known donor for her kids. We were both ok with that. Heck, more 1/2 siblings!
Different than full siblings, I know. If everyone thinks it is ok and it turns out it is not because of the geographic proximity, you can always move.
I say keep thinking and talking and being open with each other. As in a previous comment - a third party view might help too.
now that's a hot iron! what a wonderful possibility.
I can imagine how much there is to think about regarding this. Of course none of us know how the future will play out, it's all really a leap of faith.
That said if you go this route, and things do get strained you can always move.
Also you might want to get legal advice regarding adoption/parental rights of the embryos and the possible future little one/s just to get the non emotional view point.
Oh, Daisy - I can't even begin to think of what to say. I think it's an awesome opportunity, and one for which, personally, I would be very worried about unless I knew I was going to move, and not provide my forwarding info. While it is so lovely that they are willing to consider this, do you really want to have them in your lives, now and perhaps always? Would it be weird for you to know that there is a bio sib of your child nearby?
I think it is a very, very personal decision, and you need to make sure that you are all as prepared as possible, not to mention covered from a legal perspective. You want a contract which states, unequivocally, that they give up ALL rights of any kind, both legal and other. Additionally, you want to know that the laws in your state protect the recipient of an embryo donation since the proximity is so close.
I've been lurking in donor egg blogland for awhile, but I felt compelled to reply.
We have some very good friends who live over 2500 miles from us. We see them only every few years, if that. They went through IVF 3 years ago and had twins, and still have frozen embryos.
For the last two years I've thought, maybe we should just ask them if we can adopt their embryos. I think it would be too weird. My gut just tells me it would be uncomfortable.
I think it would be in your case, too. If only they didn't live near you.
I agree with Joy .... donated embryos are very hard to come by. I looked into it and unless you "know" of someone who is willing to donate them to you, the wait is ages!
If it is awkward being pregnant around them or after you have a baby, you can move ... it would all be worth it for a baby. :-)
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