Well, I didn't fire her, but she's no longer working on our case anymore. I went in for my US and blood work on Tuesday. After the wanding I asked to speak to my RE alone. I told him some of what had been happening and told him I was very concerned. I asked that he have someone oversee what was going on, or at minimum do some earnest double checking with my plan and the ED's. He was very unhappy to hear about poor planning and follow up. So he switched our case to her supervisor and I met with her that day on my way out. I have learned after many years that you just don't know what goes on behind the scenes. Maybe she is having a problem in her personal life, maybe the clinic has over booked her cases, who know? But I needed someone else to verify that we are on track. That's exactly what they did. There were problems that they had to correct however. I have to say that if I had not been through one IVF already, and if I had not learned so much from my dear bloggers, I would not have known about some of the red flags. So, I am sort of relieved. At least I feel like they are paying more attention.
In other news, I am super emotional. Mostly in an angry/sad kind of way. It started about 24 hours after the first estrogen shot. You know, a lot of couples have ongoing challenges, let's say that they work on throughout the marriage. Well, we are no different. There are things that I have been trying to improve over the last 15 years with WW, and things she has been trying to improve too.
Well, this week I have really been extra upset about the things she has been trying to improve. Most of all, she's not a very affectionate person and I find myself being the one to always initiate any kind of affection. Okay, I may be opening myself up for criticism here but I feel much better at night when we end the night with a kiss and and an "I love you". Left up to her, this would never happen. Sometimes it's the only affectionate exchange we have all day, or in a week, so it's a big deal to me (I am a very affectionate person). WW likes to end the night kissing her book goodnight. She gets in bed 5 minutes before me and the book is open and the book light is on and all communication or affection is off. Lack of affection makes it a bit difficult to be intimate too. We have talked about it and she has agreed to be different but after a few weeks she is back to the same pattern.
So on Wednesday, I totally lost it. Anger, crying, feeling hopeless, lots of ranting, etc. Yes, I do feel like this sometimes when I feel like I'm reaching my limits, but it seems like it's so much more intense, probably because of the estrogen. That's my guess. For two nights we hashed it out and I had endless energy for being upset. Last night she said, "24 hours after I gave you the shot you started crying and you didn't stop for two days". Hmm. Well I got another shot last night, so she should be hiding in a cave by now. Isn't estrogen supposed to make you sentimental or happy, not angry and sad?
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4 comments:
Kudos to YOU for having the frame of mind to discuss your concerns with the RE as well as sensitivity towards your coordinator which I think not many people would have. I think you made the right decision and it sounds like you are back on track. I hope that I am finally mature enough to get what I want but at the same time not pass judgment on people that I think are standing in the way - not sure I am always successful. But it sounds like you handled this beautifully, just like the pool party way back when.
Re WW...sigh...in our relationship, I am usually the one who is accused of being not demonstrative enough, not affectionate enough, not forward enough in my love. In MY heart, I feel as if its all there and I am hurt when I am accused of anything otherwise. Like, how can you NOT see that I adore you and would do anything for you? I get even angrier when I am expected to automatically respond to an "I love you" or a kiss - not that I wouldn't, but the idea that it is mandatory is contradictory to me. I do know that I respond much better to gentle reminders that my spouse needs signs, as I am sensing that you appreciate as well. Degrees of affection and how much is shown is such a tricky thing - I am not sure I know of any couple who are 100% on the same page with it. I hope you and WW can continue to work towards a middle ground that doesn't feel like a compromise to either of you, more like a meeting place.
best,
me
Can you try wrenching the book from her hands and tossing it across the room?
Beating her to bed and lying diagonally across it naked, barring her entry until she kisses your toes?
Sitting down on the kitchen floor for 5 hours, refusing to get up until she professes her undying love in a poem she makes up on the spot?
Lupron is an evil monster. My poor E was nearly suicidal on it.
Be kind to yourself. This is terrible stuff.
Hey Daisy - I'm just catching up again. First, holy fuck on the donor coordinator...I'm really glad that the cycle is still going and everything is ok, and regardless of what her issues are, this is way too important to be screwing up that way. You were absolutely right to say something about it.
I agree with Gold Star. Lupron is evil, and estrace isn't much better. One hopes that the estrace will take care of that awful lupron vileness, but it doesn't. I was alternately ready to kill my DH with any available item when he walked into the house, and then when I added estrace I was still vile but alternatively weepy and yelling. It's all awful stuff. He would walk in the door and I'd say "I don't like you today".
I wish I had something to say about WW - I just hope that you are able to feel better about things. I think that when you are off the drugs you will have more perspective - unless you get pregnant (HOPEFULLY) - then you'll have less :)
congratulations of the firing...whatever the issue your coordinator was/is having you need someone who is there for you and on the ball.
it sounds like the drugs have really been pulling you around, i'm sorry about that. i hope that you and WW have been able to talk through what is going on.
i totally understand the feeling of sometimes just needing a hug and hearing the words "i love you".
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