The last few days have been extremely hard for me. I feel and enormous sadness that this will be our last attempt and a huge amount of hope. It's confusing for me. I try to stay positive but I really feel like the Lupron is challenging that. Maybe it's not the Lupron, but it's easy to blame the drugs.
I had kind of a melt-down manic moment on Friday when I made three posts in one day. I wanted to take a moment to clarify what I said about disclosure.
If I do get lucky enough to get pregnant, both our children (8 and almost 5) will both know it was from DE and DS. The child will always know how they came to be as well. Our close family will know. Our best friends will know.
As far as our community, neighbors, other soccer parents, the checker at the grocery store...no, that information is for our child to share, when they choose to do so.
Normally, I am a full disclosure kind of person. I have lectured and traveled just to talk about my life as an out lesbian, being the "other mother", a lesbian working in a male dominated field, etc. I'm OUT about everything. I like being out about everything.
However, I also know what it feels like to NOT want the world to know the details of your life before you have a chance to tell them yourself. So in this case, I feel the need to lean toward the conservative when it comes to telling people outside our close family/friends.
If, in our situation, we knew the donor (a relative or friend) it would certainly feel different to me. We would be celebrating and inclusive of all involved. I wish that would have been our story, but instead we will never know the donor or be able to celebrate with her. We did have a friend who was willing, but then decided she could not go through with it. It was a very sad time for me. But we were fortunate to be able to have a plan B with an anonymous donor.
I don't mind being the poster child for IVF, DE IVF, or any of that, I'm just not sure my kid wants to be too. Hopefully, our children will feel free and be open with their life stories...then I can shout it from the rooftops with them!
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Our donor is a dear friend and we will certainly be out with friends and family and (hopefully) in due course have a naming ceremony with a role for her.
Will I tell other mums I chat to in the park, people in the supermarket when they coo over the baby/ies?
I don't think I will. I don't see that the subject will come up...
Of course, my DS (4 1/2) may well tell all and sundry. And so might the new child/ren. I will find that out later!
Dear Daisy,
Have I mentioned lately that I think you're the bomb? 'Cause I do.
Very nicely stated. IF (and that is such a huge if right now....) we are lucky enough to have a child they will always and forever know. Immediately. Right away. As soon as we can find a lovely little children's book to help us. Some very close friends, yes. Immediate family by default (obviously, my parents know it would take a miracle to make this infertile body fertile.) Everyone else - you are right on the money - that's for him/her to decide.
I am wondering, actually, like dg, what will I do if my little one decides to shout it from the rooftops? I'd like to think I'd be ok with it. I hope I'll have the chance to find out.
PS - you're the bomb.
Hi daisy--
first thank you for the thoughtful post on disclosure. it's very helpful to read. i keep wanting to tell but i get the NOT wanting the world to know the details and wanting to be conservative. right now i think we are erring on the side of conservative to a fault. perhaps our talk with a family therapist next week will change this.
your point about being ok with people knowing but wondering if your child would be is the one we are wrestling with now. and it's the reason for our hesitation in widening the circle of those who know. i am sure as we move forward this will become clearer. i hope so anyway.
Funny anecdote about your cousin in your previous post by the way, and great answer from your mom.
It's definitely the Lupron. Lupron sucks.
I am also interested in seeing how much our potential child will want to disclose.
That is an interesting perspective. I have always been "out there" with every part of who I am. I haven't been in a situation where people knew things about me that I wish they didn't. Well, not never, but rarely and nothing very important.
It was good to learn that our kids (if we are SO lucky) may want to choose who knows. We have a known donor who is not a friend but is fast becoming one so that may effect things too.
Thanks again for this insight.
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