Fully Insane

What a horrible 24 hours this has been. To recap:

I was called by the clinic director to say that the cycle was going to be cancelled because the donor's estrogen level dropped from 1400 to 900 over a period of 24 to 48 hours. They checked the blood sample twice to be sure there wasn't some mistake. The director, Dr. Badnews, said that this almost never happens and that they don't know how it could have happened because the donor had been following the protocol to the letter. She did not ovulate, which would cause a drop, etc. Dr. Badnews went on to say that there was a medication she could give that might restore the estrogen levels and rescue the cycle, but the low estrogen had likely caused damage to the follicles and they would be unusable. The damage to the follicles would not be known until retrieval & fertility. Then she said that even though this cycle would not result in a transfer, she was interested in seeing the eventual outcome of the eggs. The last thing she said was that the donor would only be pro-rated and not paid the entire fee. At that point, still in shock, I said that the donor's fees were very small compared to the clinics fees and that this was our last attempt due to the enormous financial burden. She said that we would have to come in and maybe they (the clinic) could work something out for us.

Then I, completely in shock, called WW at work and told her. She was completely in shock as well. When WW got home she gave me my Lupron shot, "just in case", but I felt dead inside. I didn't sleep last night...I just wept.

I had to get up early this morning for an E2 blood draw. I got to the clinic at 7:15 am and told the receptionist that I needed to be done in 15 minutes so I would not be late for a 8 am web conference. She told me that they wanted to go over the next course of meds with me and I had to tell them that the cycle had been cancelled. I was very angry about that. No one seemed to know if they were able to get a hold of our donor to give her the "rescue" shot. But it was over for me anyhow. I just wanted to give my vial of blood and get the fuck out of there.

When I went to work I checked my messages at lunch and there was another message from the clinic saying that I had to come in to go over the new meds for the next phase of the cycle. So I called back to yell at them. Which I did! After I was done, NurseNice said that she was sorry they couldn't get a hold of me to tell me that the donor had come in and gotten the rescue meds last night and that her E2 tested at 2200 twelve hours after the shot. What??????? How is that possible, I said? She said that the meds alone would not have vaulted her from 900 to 2200 in that short of time, that there must of been a lab processing problem, because given the dose 1400+ to 2200+ made sense. So, she said, she will trigger and ER will be Wednesday, so you need to prepare for a ET on Saturday or Monday.

Hmm. Well, I'm not popping any champagne yet. I simply don't believe it, period. Not like...OMG, isn't that great...I don't believe it. I mean I don't buy it. I can't believe it. A lab error. I swear I am so tired of feeling like they don't know what the hell is happening with my cycle!

Let's just pretend nothing happened with the E2 and it was fine all along. What happens to the follies when they get a whopping dose of Menopu*r and Lupron? How are they then?

I just think this is all bullshit. That we are going to be sitting there when they show us the one or two fucked up embryos with fragmentation and amorphic cell sizes and they will have their "lab error story" to fall back on. I will feel like I do now, broke and broken. I'd like my $26,000 back please. I feel bitter. I feel angry. I like this cycle is doomed.

I'm going to give myself some useless shots now.