We are finally back from camping. It was wonderful. The lake was beautiful. We camped in a group site with many of our close friends and their families. The only disturbances I had were a great lack of sleep (insomnia when exhausted is the worst), lots of wasps (our oldest was bitten 3 times), and the fear of being attacked by a mountain lion (because my cycle was so heavy I was sure I was unconsciously signalling all the lions that dinner was ready). Other than that...utter bliss.
I have finally caught up with all of your posts! It's like a part-time job...or at least a health hobby. So many of you are WE (with embryos in the 2ww). Others are going through all the first hurdles of pregnancy. Of course I care for each of you and am hoping your dreams come true, as you must know, even though we are connect by this big impersonal machine. I feel like I am holding my breath to see what happens next.
I am still moving along with our new donor. She is doing well after doing her first ER in June. My cycle was fiercely intense this time. I don't know why. I think about the endometriomas that Dr. Mello found on my last CD12 and wonder if they are somehow influencing the flow and duration of my cycle. I don't know. Sometimes I get deeply paranoid that my reproductive parts are scared, warped, and incapable of growing a baby. I try not to think about it. I ask myself, "What would I do differently right now?". I obviously have endo. Does that change anything about the DE IVF? According to the RE, no. I'm feeling fatigued by the constant inconsistency. I just want everything to stay put!! No additional endo, no weird and wacky cycles, no donor drama, no extra fees (they recently increased the fees for handling donor sperm), no changes in the drug protocol. I want stability. Ah! That is laughable, isn't it?
I have been trying to manage my stress level better than I have in the past. Life right now is stressful enough without me mis-managing myself. But in short here is what I am dealing with.
-Insomnia. I am "sleeping" about 2-4 hours a night. Not good sleep either...tossing & turning.
-Interviews. Hopefully, I will get a new job soon. Oh THAT'S not at all stressful.
-Rejections. Thank for the interview...we don't want you.
-Acceptance/Decline. We want you...but we don't want to pay you (enough). No thanks.
-The Endo question mark. Is this the culprit of the weirdo cycles I have been having?
-Money...what money? The balance of the DE IVF is due the day I receive my Lupron Depot shot. They are administering the shot at the clinic. I call it the inject and collect plan. 12k on Visa. Shit.
-Last chance. This is it for us. Unless there are some fine FET candidates left from the cycle.
-Possibly not getting pregnant/Possibly getting pregnant. Sometimes I don't know which I fear more.
-Possible getting pregnant while in a new job. This scenario is not comfortable for me. But this is actually what I am asking to happen, isn't it? I'm looking for a new job while pursuing DE IVF. Stupid or necessary? Yes, necessary. So I better get my stress problem taken care of.
-Exercise. It's not really stressful, I just keep forgetting to do it. Boy, that sounds like an excuse! But honestly, it doesn't reduce my stress level like it does for some others.
A friend recommended that I meditate. In the morning for 10 minutes, at lunch time for 10 minutes, and at bed for 20 minutes. She highly recommends simply using vocalizations...you know, ooooommmmm, or some other sound. Oh, and a scent of some sort.
Do any of you meditate? Good/bad/waste of time?
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7 comments:
Vocalizing, like you do while meditating, is definitely good for stress. I wrote my thesis on it. Singing is just as good, but if you can meditate doing the "omm" thing (without feeling stupid) there is real science says it sends you calming vibrations.
I listen to hynotherapy CDs as I got to sleep.. it's wonderful
Definitely helps me de-stress at times when the hormones are flying. I always end up falling asleep.
I listen to a cd of the ocean. Sounds weird, but the nature sounds help to relax me to sleep!
I have a VERY hard time sitting still in one place and trying to focus, because all I focus on are the other things I should/could/ought to be doing. Yoga also doesn't cut it with me - too slow/think about the "real" exercise I could be doing instead. Pilates has been a wonderful discovery for me. The same stretching, mindfulness of yoga but also a great workout that's not so intense you can't take some time to breathe and meditate. It really, really helped my posture as well.
I also find that long walks and hikes are my best times for meditating - perhaps if you're not digging the sitting still aspect of it, you could consider meditating in motion?
I really resonate with your which is scarier - getting pregnant or not getting pregnant thoughts. It is a constant thought - for me, moreso than hubby.
So glad you're back online after some time outdoors.
Best wishes,
me
Hello,
Thanks for your wisedom. I am going to try each of these various techniques. It can't hurt. Right now I am trying deep breathing for 3-5 minutes, while in bed with the eyes closed. I have one more night of that left. Overall, it does help my body but not my mind. So, I'm still working on it. Thanks again for the great suggestsions!
Daisy
if you're still interested:
i do deep breathing and meditation. i've tried the vocalizing -- it does feel silly but the vibrations feel good. i've also gotten hypnotized to help relax and keep positive visualizations in my mind. i recorded the session onto my ipod and listen to it often. very helpful.
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