Panic Attack Last Night

I have some updating to do I see.

First, my Internet connection never goes down. But it did, over and over again. UGH! I think Com*cast has over extended itself by offering digital phone service as well. You can only slice that pie so thin before it crumbles. For now, my connection works but not through my router.

Second, thanks for the congrats on my job. I spent the better part of the last two days shopping for new clothes. I haven't needed to buy business clothes in the last three years, but now my wardrobe is tired and falling apart, so this seemed to be the right time. As I was standing in the dressing room I doing what every woman does...asking myself if it will still fit if I gain or loose 5 or pounds. Of course, I was immediately struck by the idea that I am dropping 1k on clothes that might not fit in 2 months. I called WW on the cell.

Me: Hey, I'm in the dressing room.

WW: Well, I can't tell you if it looks good on you from here.

Me: I know. I just had a thought. These clothes are expensive. What if I get pregnant? Should I just buy enough outfits for a week or so and see how it goes? What if I buy shoes and my feet get really big?

WW: Ya know, being pregnant only lasts for about a year. I think the clothes will keep, don't you? It's not a huge deal. You are freaking out about the cost of clothes when we are spending a Mercedes amount on trying to have a baby? If you get pregnant we will just add this on to the cost of having the baby. You can drop 2k on that in one month.

Me: Yeah, okay. I'm just freaking out.

WW: You know, it's the Loopypran making you crazy.

Me: I guess so. I'm fine. I will be fine. These are all good problems to have. I know that.

WW: Yeah. By the way, your feet are going to get to Fred Flintstone's size when you are pregnant. It's a "when", not an "if".

So that was a mini-freak out in the dressing room. It was accompanied by at least 10 hot flashes.

Third, on the way to soccer practice with my girls. I fell down. I don't fall down a lot. I was walking along holding a floppy bag with water, sunscreen, cell phone, books, etc. On my other shoulder was a light-weight stadium chair. Suddenly my sandals caught the edge of a raised part of the side walk and I was headed down. I'm okay. I was embarrassed in front of the other parents. Silly, but I was. I caught myself with my hands and one of my knees is really black and blue. It struck hard. So I spent some time icing my knee and hands doing little else. Now that I've had a refresher course in falling I have to say that kids are much tougher than we give them credit for.

Last night I had what I would consider (for me) a panic attack. I started my cycle on 8/21. It has been a heavy painful one. I am trying to lay off the Mot*rin with the cycle pending. I read that it wasn't the best thing to take pre-IVF. I was having some wicked cramps and trying to go to sleep. All of a sudden all these panic-type thoughts started racing around in my head. I was thinking what a bad idea this is, and if a cancel it what will it cost us, and that what if I have problems with the pregnancy and loose my job, and what if I just can't cope with the changes to my body, and the fear of delivery was all over me, and what about the debt I have caused us, and what if the baby/child hates us because there were two donors involved and we have no contact with one of them, and what if they wish there were never born or feel like they were some kind of selfish freak experiment, and what if I can't take a deep breath for whole pregnancy, or reach my keyboard, or if our new cat tries to lay on the babies face, or if I can't handle nursing, or getting up every two hours...and on and on.

I sat up. I felt like I could not breath. I was sweaty and cold. I could not make myself feel better. Not feeling like I could breath was the worst. I woke up WW and she took over. She turned on all the bedroom lights, told me to stand up, and walk around. She told me to raise my hands in the air and try to breathe slowly. After a while I could breathe, but my head was still spinning. So she read to me from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. It's such a departure from real life that it really did get my head to stop spinning.

It's really going to happen, after all this time, and me without my right mind!