Saturday I went to a pool party. We don't see these friends often because they live rurally and we are city dwellers, but every year they have a pool party and invite many people we know but don't see often. I was chatting with some friends I had not seen for about 2 years when suddenly they asked me if I was still trying to get pregnant. ??WHAT??
My mind started racing...Did I tell them? How would they know? Did WonderWoman say something? Do they know someone who saw me at the clinic? At one point they did live close to us about 3 years ago and I think I did mention that I was going to try to get pregnant. Yes, back when I was so optimistic, thought it could be 3 to 6 months, when I thought my body was intact (tubes and all), thought it would be simple and fairly inexpensive. HA! Light years AGO!
After snapping out of my memory search I said, "Yes, we did try to get pregnant." End of story right? To anyone else that would be a conversation stopper. We "did", it's over, past tense. No, not for these people the questions kept coming and I kept answering. I ask myself now, "Why didn't I just STOP talking?" I was on the spot and I don't do well when confronted with direct questions. Here is how it went:
Me: Yes, we did try to get pregnant.
Her: What happened?
Me: I didn't get pregnant. (Evasive, yes?)
Her: Did you see a specialist? I mean at your age, time is a factor right? (Nice age remark, very nice.)
Me: Uh, yes we did go to see someone about it.
Her: Was it just an age related problem? (Okay now I'm feeling defensive.)
Me: No, actually, I found out that I have no clear access through my fallopian tubes. (Showing off a little RE knowledge here to make myself feel better. Not going to bring up any old egg issues after that "at your age" remark.)
Her: Oh wow, so they would have to bypass the tubes right, like use IVF? That's what it's called right? Are you guys going to do that? I've heard it's really expensive and extreme. (I'm thinking, okay I have to stop this conversation right now. It's casual to her, like talking about the weather and I have revealed way more than I want.)
Me: Yes, IVF is what we would have to do for me to get pregnant. We have looked into all the options. Hey, they just opened this great wine, would you like some?
So, I told her more than I wanted and it was hard to stop the conversation, but I was saved by the wine. Of course, I couldn't have any of the great wine because I am not drinking right now, prior to the next attempt. I also know that my heart it hanging out there with this and that I need to be better prepared. We socialize a lot more in the summer and it may come up again. We did tell a couple of people about me trying to get pregnant because we thought it would be easy. That's so funny I could cry, and I have, many times. WonderWoman told me it was okay to just lie. Say no, we aren't trying anymore. Who cares? People are just making conversation.
She, the woman at the party, went on to say that she knows what it feels like to want to have that little piece of yourself (and her husband, in her case). She talked about how she really thinks that her son is so much like her. "It's just hardwired in him for better or worse."
Imagine, if she only knew what was really happening in my life.
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9 comments:
Ack. I've had that when I tell someone I'm pregnant but forget to announce the miscarriage.
Good luck with your next step, btw!
x
Argghh, people like that are so frustrating. You handled it so well. Bravo. Hang in there. Thinking about you.
Gosh, people can be so dense sometimes. Sorry you had to suffer through that conversation.
Good luck with the DE IVF, I hope the result will mean no more conversations like that!
Hugs
I think that you handled it very, very well. There is no way to be prepared for someone who wants to get so far into your business. You can't help but think that the person probably meant well, but that was over the top.
I agree that you handled it well, and that is just plain ignorance talking. People who are not infertile do not understand the heartache and pain we go through. I also find, though, that ignorance seems always to be magnified by sheer stupidity.
Oh god. That just sucks. I'm so sorry. This is so painful.
what a great/sad/poignant conversation. thank you for sharing that i am sure this has happened to many...i never say anything so what happens to me is just people talking about their babies on and on.
the other thing you point us, which is interesting for those of us doing DE, is that comment the women made about her son. what makes a child ones own? Surely it is not all genetics...and as has been pointed out on another blog there are things that happen during pregnancy that effect genetic code (sorry i can't remember where i read this). my feeling is that who someone looks like or which parent a child is like is not important. what is important is that we raise our child/children to be people who make a positive difference in the world. That they do or don't look like us or have our mannerisms just doesn't matter in the big picture.
Word, stacyb. We could have the nature v. nurture conversation all day but there are so many factors that go into raising a child. Genetic coding (hardwiring, as daisy's "friend" put it) is just one.
Dear daisy, congratulate yourself for handling a tactless person with tact and grace. WonderWoman sounds awesome. She gave you great advice.
Why is it that all of my pals have suddenly decided to have wine tasting parties now that I am no longer drinking. :( Darn them.
Phew, saved by the wine! I think you handled an awkward conversation very well.
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