Jumping in the Pool

I started this blog to chronicle my infertility journey. As anyone in the infertility game knows, this journey could end at anytime for a million different reasons. I have a lot of concerns about starting this blog. Being slightly neurotic, generally negative, and somewhat superstitious it's entirely possible, in my mind, that I may be jinxing my pending IVF process by even mentioning my hopes for getting pregnant here. That's what I consider slightly neurotic...I could be wrong. I was inspired to blog after reading some many brave stories posted by women who have also faced infertility and have bravely documented even the most painful aspects of the roller coaster. So without further ado, my introduction...

I am 42, have unexplained infertility (although it is looking more and more like my tubes are completely blocked), and have been trying to get pregnant for the last two years.

Now, here's the part where I take a dramatic turn from so many other women like me. I am a lesbian, with a wonderful partner, and we have two children who are equally wonderful. When we started our lives together we knew we wanted to have children. I had been told by a doctor when I was very young (22) that because of a inherited vascular problem it would be not be a good idea for me to ever have children. That was a crushing blow that took me many years to deal with. So, we knew she would be the one carrying any potential children. At the time, I thought it was very luck that I had a back up uterus in my life.

...I can tell at this point my wonderful parnter needs a pseudonym at this point, so hence forth I call her Wonderwoman, because she really is all that!...

One day during an OBGYN visit that Wonderwoman was having with our second child, the OB turned to me and said, "What about you? Don't you want to experience all the fun of pregnancy too?". He was being sarcastic, since she had been experiencing some wicked nausea, etc. I told him about "my problem" and why it was not a possibility for me. He then proceeded to turn my entire world upside down by casually saying, and I quote, "That doesn't sound right to me. I would get a second opinion." Second opinion? Second opinion? I had spent a decade plus coping with the first opinion!

So I got a second opinion, and guess what? There was no reason for me not to be pregnant because of my vascular condition. After many conversations with a variety of therapists and Wonderwoman we came to the conclusion that either A. He didn't know what he was talking about or B. He was homophobic and was discouraging me from perusing having kids. I don't know. It doesn't even matter anymore. But I can say, it broke my heart. All those years of grief and anger. All those years I could have been trying to get pregnant before my eggs started to expire.

Now for the kicker. You know what's coming.

After the second opinion, Wonderwoman and I spent a long time deciding whether can/should try to get me pregnant. After all, we had two perfect children that we adore. We only ever wanted to have two children. We are financially prepared to have only two children. Our dreams had already come true, right? So what was my problem? What I discovered is that while there is not difference in the amount or type of love I feel for biologically related family versus non-biologically related family there is an important compelling thing for me called, making a life. In my opinion, the most profoundly important thing a woman is able to do, biologically speaking. Anyway, for very selfish reasons I wanted that for myself.

So now fast forward past the stress of paying for lesbian preganacy gear, like donor sperm, a doctor that will not treat us like mutants, etc. to the recent past, where the unexplained infertility was discovered and the real fun begins.