Tagged: Six Unimportant Things About Me

I was tagged by Midlife Mommy:

 

Here are the rules:

1. Link back to the person who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. Share six unimportant things about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your entry.

 

1. I have kept a journal/diary since I was 11 years old. Some years the content was slim, but others were full dissertations on my life, my family, my friends, my love interests, and my state of mind. I never used to re-read them, but now I find them invaluable. Some of the early (before 16 years old) entries are priceless. Like my writing on the first gay person I ever met, or the night my father's best friend died...the impact of seeing my father cry for the first time. Once, in high school, my best friend and I sat on the hearth of a fire place with our journals stacked beside us...ready to burn them. I couldn't go through with it. I am so glad I kept them. Impetuous teenagers. She did burn hers. Twenty years later I gave her back every letter she ever wrote to me, as well as, some cassette tapes she recorded when she was a teenager. She relishes having these "artifacts" from her young life. Priceless. Someday I will have to transcribe them to preserve them. Sparkly pink ink doesn't hold up forever ya know.

 

2. I have a decent collection of elephants (not real ones). The first toy I ever had was a plastic elephant. It was waiting for me in my crib when I came home from the hospital. I guess it kicked off a love of elephants. I still have it. I don't have masses of elephant stuff. I am super selective about the elephant things I have. They must have meaning or special significance. The most expensive was created by a famous sculptor and was a surprise gift from WW on my 30th birthday. The least expensive is a poster. Having a collection is a great thing. It retains your history and it gives people an effortless gift idea. Win-win.

 

3. Once, I was bucked off and trampled by a horse. It was sort of a wild horse. I was 16. I was away from home living on a ranch for the summer. I broke some ribs, but no other bones. Had a head injury, that I swear it the reason I can't remember shit, and lost feeling in the back of my left leg in the shape of hoof, until I was 32. It broke the fascia around the muscles and severed the nerves. Often, nerves grow back, and they did. However I still have a round lump on the back of my thigh and the nerves don't feel right like the other leg at all.

 

4. When I was 10, we lived near a busy two lane highway and a some undeveloped land. Everyday after school, my best friend and I, would go out with a camping shovel looking for road kill. Sometimes it was wild animals, sometimes pets we would find on the road. We would scoop it up and take it to a place in the field where we had an animal cemetery. We buried close to 30 animals in one year, until her mother found out and called my parents. They didn't know about the cemetery, but they knew we were burring dead animals, which completely freaked them out! We still visited the cemetery after that, but stopped adding to it. It was getting full anyway.

 

5. One thing that drives me nuts is a disorganized refrigerator. I have to put things back in their particular place. I have shelves designated for certain things. I'm not like this about any other place in the house. I am totally obsessive about it. It's probably because I make all the meals. It's like my meal-office. No one in my house respects my insane need to have the fridge be a certain way. I am certainly headed for the loony-bin on this one.

 

6. I am a big fan of goat cheese. Not just your commonly known goat cheese like feta, lots of types. It's one of my favorite things. Most people I know wont touch it. Strange, I know.

 

I tag whomever wants to play.

It's Meme Time!

There is something about a meme. It makes me feel all new and sparkly. I don't know why. So here goes...

 

Stolen from starhillgirl:

 

TECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A: picture of flowers from dooce.com

Q. How many televisions you have in your house?
A: two

BIOLOGY
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A: right

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A: lots of splinters, 10 lovely eggs, 2 wisdom teeth, a toothpick, and yards of defunct veins

 

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A: our little one, weighing in at a whopping 40lbs (with snow boots on 44lbs)

Q. Have you ever been knocked out?
A: yes, bucked off a horse then trampled by said beast, thank god i passed out

BULLSHITOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A: no, no, no

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A: Rhoda

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A: greens and pinks

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item?
A: like a bug...a few times

 

DAREOLOGY
Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A: you mean i could get PAID for that...someone owes me a bundle!

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A: i need my fingers, even the short ones

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A: never? maybe

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A: could i get one of those black rectangles for my eyes?

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A: nooooo

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A: what like a serial killer's or something? in that case, i'd consider it

DUMBOLOGY
Q: What is in your left pocket?
A: no pockets, friggin' office suit pants on

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A: never saw it

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A: hardwood

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A: stand, can't find a place to sit


Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A: 1, leather, had them for 9 years

LASTOLOGY
Q: Last person who texted you?
A: advertisement

Q: Last person who called you?
A: my boss

Q: Person you hugged?
A: WonderWoman, on my way to work

FAVORITOLOGY
Q: Number?
A: six

Q: Season?
A: fall/spring can't decide

Q: Color?
A: blue

CURRENTOLOGY
Q: Missing someone?
A: i left her around her somewhere...

Q: Mood?

A: borderline

Q: Listening to?
A: manic-typer a few feet away

Q: Watching?
A: screen

Q: Worrying about?
A: my weight/health

Q: Wearing?
A: stupid no pocket office suit (dark blue), green and blue v-neck shirt, office pumps (standard issue), black sock (unmatched), favorite turquoise undies and brazeer.

 

RANDOMOLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
A: out the front door to my car, then to work

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A: be with child

Q: Do you smile often?
A: i do

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: depends, but usually
 

Stay tuned for 6 unimportant things meme, about, well, me of course!

Fat Pants Skinny Pants

Let me start by saying, I work in a corporate environment. Everyday, I wear some variation of "the uniform" a business suit. I have several suit pants, even more suit-type tops, and a few suit jackets. I mix these up every day to get a new suit formula. But basically it's very similar. I have various colors of the same pants and even more than one pair of the same pants. Some of them, despite being the same make, same size, same fabric, etc. fit differently. A little mix up at the dry cleaners perhaps?

 

This morning I had an early work meeting, so I got dressed in the dark and left in the semi-dark. I could tell I was putting on the skinny pants. I have an identical pair that are loose...the fat pants. Good for bloated days. The skinny pants are rarely worn, but sometimes I grab them accidentally or they are the last clean pair I have, and I have to wear them. In my haste I grabbed them threw them on and left. On the way to work I noticed that they were a bit looser than usual. This was very good news b/c my hormones have been out of whack and I have been taking progesterone (adds weight every time), so I was feeling better.

 

Until...

I realized...

I was wearing the fat pants!!

They fit. They fit REALLY well. Ugh.

 

So after the big discovery I had a piece of banana bread and decided to start a different type of exercise program. I have been eating less, less calories, not after a certain time of night, and walking more and my body is just getting bigger. I can only guess that my metabolism is taking the big 40s dive! It's tanking on me. Everyone told me that it would happen in my 40s but now it is real. I can't lose or maintain my weight the way I could before.

 

I had been toying this this idea, but today I am going to start exercising with tension bands. You know the kind that came with your aerobics workout DVD? Anyway, we have two of them. WW got one for some physical therapy she need a couple of years ago. It's black, the other one is BRIGHT pink.

 

I started thinking about it when I saw Martina Navratilova using them at her ranch on an Oprah episode. She, Martina, not Oprah, is in fantastic shape. Good god, I have never been as fit as her, nor will I ever be. My body was built for comfort, not for speed. Chris Everett was on that show as well and she keeps in shape by playing tennis. I would love to spend 2 hours a day playing tennis, but, oh right, I have to work. Which brings me back to my fat, now fit, pants. As I type this, my ankles feel a bit cold. I think they are riding up a bit high on the ankle too. Oh joy. Tighter and shorter. What else could a girl ask for.

 

BTW, I am a huge tennis fan. I played tennis all through high school and part of college. I LOVE tennis. If I could play everyday, I certainly would. Just to complete the picture, I never wore the little tennis skirt/skort, even though it was expected. At tournaments, I wore white jean shorts (hotter than Hell but I maintained my teenage dignity). At practice, I mostly wore cut-off sweats. On top I did wear the standard visor and ponytail.

 

So does anyone know any good exercises with the tension bands?

Foot in Mouth

I have to post an apology to my dear DG. I wrote that seeing a picture of her beautiful twins made me hurt. That was poorly written. Seeing babies makes me long for a baby, and the longing is painful.

 

On the contrary, seeing DGs babies make me exceedingly happy. Happy for her. Happy for them. Happy for her family. Happy for KF and her family. Happy and hopeful for those who have suffered so many times due to failed TTC and recurrent miscarriages. Happy for all of us, because seeing her family, I know that there is hope. She's been through a lot and I hope that my poor choice of words did not hurt her.

 

I deeply apologise.

Daisy

 

 

Breaking the Rules

Since I am breaking work rules today...answering personal e-mail, commenting on blogs, reading blogs, etc. I thought, "What the Hell? I might as well round it off with a post."

 

*** Long, Long Post. TTC stuff is at the bottom. ***

 

On the bleeding front: It hasn't stopped since I stooped taking the progesterone. That was 7 days ago. It got progressively heavy and has stayed that way for the last 3 days. So any minute now it will start stopping, RIGHT? I really hope so. It's amazing how it can take over your life, not to mention your undergarments. I am resorting to grandma undies. I have a wild looking pair I got as part of a pack of 3, that WW and I affectionately refer to as the "hot air balloon series". Honesty, with air inside it could be a hot air balloon or other type of floatation devise.

 

On the work front: My job is getting more and more demanding. Soon I will be working 12 hour days again. I don't want that to happen. I have to try not to do everything. That's an issue I have. When I was interviewing for jobs one of the questions that sometimes came up was "What would you consider one of your biggest work related challenges." I used a stock answer, but the real answer is that I will kill myself trying to everything, taking on every responsibility,and trying to achieve company goals no matter how stupid. I will drive myself more than any employee you have ever met, letting my work and and your assignments consume me. I will deliver. I always deliver. Until the day I quit because I'm beyond burned out. I am working on it. I know I need to change.

 

On the baby front: WW and I need to talk, but we keep avoiding it. Well me actually. I know we need to decide about the donor in July. I have a lot of issues about getting healthy and getting older. My body has changed so much in the last year. I feel it becoming older. My skin, my hair, my stamina, my joints are all screaming at me that have really  moved on to another realm. It's hard to shut it out.

 

I have always chosen to tell myself that age is relative to how you feel emotionally and physically, and how you are holding up. Now I'm not holding up so well. So by my own standards it is harder to justify (putting money issues aside) when it is time to stop TCC, based on nothing other than me, my health, and my age. I'm not as driven to keep finding ways to make it happen. 

 

When I think about not having that baby, emotionally it kills me. But when I think about not trying, I'm kind of okay with that. I don't really know how to reconcile those two worlds. You can't have one without trying. With all these contradictory feelings I can't really bring my plea to WW for a new donor cycle. She doesn't believe I will be tortured my entire life because I could not bear a child. She thinks the intensity and longing will subside over time. Maybe she is right. Maybe that window is already closing for me.

 

When I see those beautiful babies of DG's it still hurts. I still feel the desperate longing, but not as much as I did 5, 4, 3, 2 and 1 year ago.

 

If I had been able to get any donation embryos and gotten pregnant, I would be in whole different world. But none of the three times (yes, three!) that people offered them to me worked out. In one case, with our neighbors, the FDA regs stopped that. In another case with a well meaning blogger, she found out for whatever reason her clinic would not allow it her to transfer the donated embryos they got, to me. In the last case, the offer was made from a fellow blogger, we accepted, and I never heard from her again. What I am supposed to think? Time to let go? The universe is against it? I don't know. I just don't know.

Biopsy and More

On Friday, I finished my 10 mg progesterone pills and had my endometrial biopsy. I felt the day before I started the pills that my own progesterone had started kicking in because the bleeding and symptoms I had been having for two months had started to subside. I took the pills for 10 days but on day 9 I felt strange an crampy and I started spotting. Perhaps a sign that my own progesterone had dropped which in normal circumstances begins the onset of CD 1. So on day 9 slight spotting and on day 10 consistent spotting. Day 11 I went in for the biopsy day and my bleeding was light-moderate, just like a CD 1.

 

I'm not going to lie here, the biopsy was very painful. Much more than I expected. My GYN prescribed Adav*n (sp?) for anxiety. WW prescribed 2 Vic*din to go with it. I did take 1 Vic*din, but not two. I was afraid I would be so out of it, I might pee on myself or something. In hindsight, I should have taken both of them!! She's almost always right. Luckily for me my GYN is an excellent surgeon. WW calls him a tactical and strategic genius. As a practitioner we don't always trust him, but for surgery and procedures he's excellent. My appointment was an hour, for monitoring, etc. but he was in and out of there in less than 10 minutes. Four of those minutes were excruciating, but I can live with short and precise. I asked him to stop several times, but he just said it will be over in just a minute.

 

I had some bleeding that I could tell was not cycle bleeding for several hours after the biopsy. My uterus did hurt all that day. I took M*trin for inflammation and pain. Over the weekend the bleeding returned to the menstrual flow type. I have mild cramping, off and on, and have had some major mood swings in the last 72 hours, from giddy to mournful. My FSH is low and according to the test results and physical exam, I am far from menopause. I feel good about that, but I am not sure why. I guess in my mind it means I am still open for business, infertile, but open for business.

 

WW things all this hormonal fluctuation is from fertility treatment and fertility drugs. I know she feels resentment toward the universe (?) because we have nothing to show for all of the attempts except debt, sadness, and now medical problems. Well, that sentence was certainly a downer. We aren't completely destitute, some days are better than others.

 

We don't talk about the "baby thing" much now. We are on waiting lists at several embryo donation facilities. Our RE has asked us if we want to do a shared cycle in July 08 with a really great ovum donor. We tentatively agreed because we have no clue how we are going to come up with the money. We already took out a second mortgage to pay for the donor cycle and FET. Sucks. It all seems very unreal now.