Through the Looking Glass

They tell me I am 4 weeks and 4 days along today, based on LMP. Right now everything feels very surreal. I am in disbelief still. Which is amazing considering often when WW passes by me, she whispers in my ear, "You're pregnant." One minute it is the strangest thing in the world to think that I am actually pregnant right now, then in another minute, it seems totally normal. HA! I am Alice in Wonderland. If I saw my cat smoking a hookah it wouldn't surprise me in the least.

 

Let me give you a little background since I don't get to post often these days.

 

Saturday the 11th was my first Beta. I had that done at 8 AM then had some breakfast with a friend and went to a fall carnival. Twice that day, I felt weird. Once before breakfast I felt really thirsty and my heart was a bit poundy. Then, around 2 PM, at the carnival, I HAD to sit down. My stomach started doing gymnastics. It kind of felt like I was nervous...about to speak in public or something. But after about 10 minutes, it passed.

 

Sunday I felt awful, as I posted. I knew it didn't work. At one point I lay down and cried my self to sleep. I kept thinking of the word defective. I was in a very bad place. WW told me that there was really no way to know and that she felt that we had so many past disappointments that this feeling was an attempt to protect myself.

 

Monday, I had the second Beta. I was not looking forward to the plastic smile and hopeful pretending. I asked WW to take time from work and come with me. We went in and the place was deserted. Only one other couple. Not typical for a Monday. None of the nurses that I knew well were there. Instead of the celebrity IFer who can't get pregnant, I was practically anonymous. The only person there I knew was the receptionist who asked for $1,000 to store the left over embryos. Ouch! They always want either blood or money, or in this case both! I gave them specific instructions NOT to call me at work with the results. Instead, poor WW, was going to get the call on her cell and she would tell me when I got home...right before she left for the airport. They told me the results would be ready around 4:30 PM.

 

I was back at work by 1PM (I went on my lunch hour) and at 2 PM WW called. She had called about 4 times already asking...where's my this, where's my that (packing stuff). So that is what I expected, but instead she said, "You told me not to call you with bad news, but can I call you with good news?" "About what?" I said. You see I know they don't run the Beta blood until 4 PM, I am intimately aware of their routines. "Well" she said "They decided to run your blood early and it was positive!". 

 

Then a lot of talking in code ensued and I pretended to work for 30 more minutes, then I rushed home to her, utterly joyful. So happy. So terribly happy. Then the clinic called me and the coordinator wished us congratulations. We talked for a moment about what happens next, but she said I wouldn't remember any of it in the morning so she e-mailed my instructions to me.

 

I have laughed and cried and been stunned for the last 5 days. The hardest part has been waiting for the next Beta and the ultrasound at the end of the month. But in the mean time I have lots of confirmations that something is truly different. Cramping, pinching, a little nausea in the morning, being overly thirsty, and recently feeling like the area around my breasts has been battered with a diminutive hammer. All these things I say with delight in my heart. I feel crappy and I am happy for it. Of course, I know this is nothing, that the real nausea is yet to come, if all goes well.

 

One of the many reasons that WW is my hero is because she was horribly sick with all day nausea from 4 weeks to 30 weeks. Totally not normal for most, but it was for her...twice. I had to start an emergency IV on her once and another time she was nearly hospitalized from dehydration. She did it all with little complaining. That's quite a role model. I hope I can make her proud, but I am a weenie by nature.

 

What else can I tell you but OMG, I am actually pregnant...and I am still hoping for two.

 

WW and I read through all of your congratulations and she was touched at how many of you wished us well. She doesn't interact with the blog much, so she doesn't realize how many times you have lifted me (along with her) when I have been at the pit of despair over all the bfns and the three thwarted offers of donor embryos. It has been a very long road for us and I can only hope that we get to have a real live child from this pregnancy. If you have not had your moment of a bfp, or you suffered an m/c, you know I am pulling for you, and I know your pain. I am hoping we can be in this boat together soon.