Since I am breaking work rules today...answering personal e-mail, commenting on blogs, reading blogs, etc. I thought, "What the Hell? I might as well round it off with a post."
*** Long, Long Post. TTC stuff is at the bottom. ***
On the bleeding front: It hasn't stopped since I stooped taking the progesterone. That was 7 days ago. It got progressively heavy and has stayed that way for the last 3 days. So any minute now it will start stopping, RIGHT? I really hope so. It's amazing how it can take over your life, not to mention your undergarments. I am resorting to grandma undies. I have a wild looking pair I got as part of a pack of 3, that WW and I affectionately refer to as the "hot air balloon series". Honesty, with air inside it could be a hot air balloon or other type of floatation devise.
On the work front: My job is getting more and more demanding. Soon I will be working 12 hour days again. I don't want that to happen. I have to try not to do everything. That's an issue I have. When I was interviewing for jobs one of the questions that sometimes came up was "What would you consider one of your biggest work related challenges." I used a stock answer, but the real answer is that I will kill myself trying to everything, taking on every responsibility,and trying to achieve company goals no matter how stupid. I will drive myself more than any employee you have ever met, letting my work and and your assignments consume me. I will deliver. I always deliver. Until the day I quit because I'm beyond burned out. I am working on it. I know I need to change.
On the baby front: WW and I need to talk, but we keep avoiding it. Well me actually. I know we need to decide about the donor in July. I have a lot of issues about getting healthy and getting older. My body has changed so much in the last year. I feel it becoming older. My skin, my hair, my stamina, my joints are all screaming at me that have really moved on to another realm. It's hard to shut it out.
I have always chosen to tell myself that age is relative to how you feel emotionally and physically, and how you are holding up. Now I'm not holding up so well. So by my own standards it is harder to justify (putting money issues aside) when it is time to stop TCC, based on nothing other than me, my health, and my age. I'm not as driven to keep finding ways to make it happen.
When I think about not having that baby, emotionally it kills me. But when I think about not trying, I'm kind of okay with that. I don't really know how to reconcile those two worlds. You can't have one without trying. With all these contradictory feelings I can't really bring my plea to WW for a new donor cycle. She doesn't believe I will be tortured my entire life because I could not bear a child. She thinks the intensity and longing will subside over time. Maybe she is right. Maybe that window is already closing for me.
When I see those beautiful babies of DG's it still hurts. I still feel the desperate longing, but not as much as I did 5, 4, 3, 2 and 1 year ago.
If I had been able to get any donation embryos and gotten pregnant, I would be in whole different world. But none of the three times (yes, three!) that people offered them to me worked out. In one case, with our neighbors, the FDA regs stopped that. In another case with a well meaning blogger, she found out for whatever reason her clinic would not allow it her to transfer the donated embryos they got, to me. In the last case, the offer was made from a fellow blogger, we accepted, and I never heard from her again. What I am supposed to think? Time to let go? The universe is against it? I don't know. I just don't know.
4 comments:
Oh, man. I don't know what to say. I feel the same things that you do. It's easier to stay down on the floor than it is to get up lately. I too can feel my body aging in many different ways. And I am still ambivalent about having another child. The closer I get, the more afraid I get. But, when I think that I might not (like TODAY!!), then I want it all the more. I think I recall a book that was titled "Feel the Fear (And Do It Anyway)." (I have no idea what this book was about. I never read it; just thought the title was cool.) I guess that really describes me though.
Or maybe I'm just an old fool. I guess my child(ren) will have to be the judge of that.
I understand what you're feeling. Before we started on the DE road, I almost came to terms with the end of our (natural) TTc road and it was a difficult place, which threw everything in my life into relief somehow. Continually striving is so hard and so tiring.
I'm sorry our pics made you sad. I wish everybody could get to where we are now. It makes me so sad that things aren't so easy.
xx
My heart is with you. I wish I could help.
Sorry. I wish I had some magical words of wisdom. I have talked to two ladies in their 80's who never had kids and therefore never had grandkids and they both never really got over it. They sound like a typical subfertile, "I have had a wonderful life, husband, etc." That is - they are counting their blessings to keep from being too sad.
The two 'friends' who I thought would donate their embryos to you . . the ones I was going to ask ask when they got farther into their pregnancies - I never got to ask. They decided I was too negative (I shared my concerns with DE and miscarrage) and they wanted only positive vibes around.
Did you get on a waiting list at PNF or was their list too long too?
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