Confessions

I have been reading tons of blogs. Sorry if I have not commented on yours in a while. I am restricted here at work-land.

 

We started the estrogen injections yesterday. It was such a stark contrast from the first IVF cycle. I was SO organized with IVF #1. Syringes, needles, and meds were sorted, labeled, and appropriately lined up by date like little IVF soldiers going to war with the evil IF elements.

 

The second IVF I was much less organized but still I give myself a respectable score. After the BFN, I took some advise from GoldStar and put all the IVF stuff away...in a deep dark closet and tried to take a mental and emotional break.

 

This time for the FET I didn't even put away the box the meds came in. It was open with the contents strewn on our spare room bed until the day I frantically searched for a syringe for the first Lupron injection. Then, yesterday, it occurred to me that I had to have some estrogen on board and I made an even bigger mess on the bed searching for the supplies. I did a double take at the last minute when I realized that my RE had changed the injection amount to .5 ccs! Good thing I was kind of paying attention. That's half of the amount of the prescription from the last cycle. I am so glad he backed off because I am very sensitive to all hormone controlling meds. I don't need much...even thought I am deceptively bulky.

 

Time for my true confessions:

 

The first 7 days of Lupron I was a total bitch. Everything and everyone was a problem. I was exceedingly critical (not a pretty part of my personality). I was also a needy mess. Crying easily. NEEDING to be close, even thought I had chased everyone away. Hug me DAMN IT!!

***WW calls this the needy spiked ball. Well named.***

 

When I went in for my baseline US the clinic wanted to charge me long term storage for my left over embryos. The fee is $650. I leaned over the desk to tell the receptionist that it must be a mistake, because we only have one, and it's going to be gone in 2 weeks. She assured me that they wouldn't try to collect if there weren't some going in the long term storage. She went off into the other room to check. While she was gone I was so angry. I was thinking of all the things I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. None of them nice. Apparently I am harboring anger at the clinic (and everyone in it) for not getting me pregnant. When she came back I said, "I am standing here calmly but the conversation we just had REALLY upset me, because after SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS we have one frozen embryo and almost no hope...so please check your facts carefully, and for god sake, please don't do this to anyone else." She was sorry sorry blah blah blah. But I hope I made a lasting impression on her.

 

Lastly, I want to say, estrogen makes me cry. ---You should be laughing now! -- It's the Devil's drug. Happy, sad, nostalgic, angry. Today I have been 20 different people. Of course, you all know that, don't you?

 

BTW, if you were TRUE friends you would have told me that writing a 10 paragraph post about my pets is fucking insane and CLEARLY a cry for help. Jesus, don't let me do THAT again!!

 

Hugs to all.