Monday at the RE was a Hellish day for me. I knew I would be sad, depressed, sort of hopeless, but I didn't know it would be as hard as it was. Just seeing the nurses I knew who were sad for us made me sadder. There was nothing to say really, and I knew that going in. We sat in the waiting room for a long time. Then a nurse I didn’t know took all my vitals. I didn’t expect that. I felt dead inside, knowing we really are facing the beginning of the end. I am trying to accept it.
At this point WW and I have had very little discussion about extending our attempts. When we started, WW said that I would never want to stop if I didn’t get pregnant. She is right about that, I don’t want to stop. But I won’t continue at all costs. I won’t bankrupt my family, completely drain WW and myself emotionally, and keep the kids thinking that there will be some mythical maybe baby. I can’t do that to us, no matter how much it hurts. And god…it hurts. I know this is un-happy, un-hopeful news, and that it is hard for many to read, because the infertile, sub-fertile, and fertility challenged are the MOST hopeful people I have EVER known. Damn near irrepressible!
After reviewing our file, Dr. Mellow said that he is concerned that the ED has been through cycle twice but neither woman has had a (+), even with FET. That certainly got my attention. So, the other couple didn’t get pregnant with the blast they had. My heart took another dive. I was looking for a silver lining. Not there. I still have a little hope…that “against all odds” feeling, but it is barely there. There were many awkward silences and I knew if I didn’t get things rolling I would end up weeping uncontrollably in his office…and I just didn’t want that.
So, I told him that I wanted to get started right away with the FET. I said that today is CD15 and I wanted to do it next cycle. He asked me if I was up for an ultrasound. I said, “Have I ever turned you down? I’m surprised I have been in this building for this long and am still dressed.” He got a chuckle out of that. WW gave me a raised eyebrow. Even with her OBs, she has never experienced the “intimacy” that a woman has with her RE (can’t speak for the IF guys).
The US showed that I had indeed ovulated an there was the post-ovulation evince that was on its way out. Plus, I had a lining of 10mm. Pretty damn impressive, since I built that lining all by my self (that includes the mid-cycle bleeding). I’m very impressed with my cooperative reproductive parts. Having the US and getting on the schedule made me feel almost hopeful again…almost. Even though I am fairly sure this will not work I have to be there for “the one who waits”. For a few days...I will be its mom...then we will say good-bye.
That's just where I am right now.
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6 comments:
I hope that the one who waits is the one for you. Hugs.
I hope that this is the one for you. I am thinking so much about you.
i'm hopeful for you.
This could be it. I, along with all of us out here, will be sending mass quantities of love and good vibes your way in hopes that it is. Go, little one, go.
I know it is hard to be hopeful for yourself, but I will be hopeful for you. I love your joke with the RE too. Great that you can laugh when you feel like crying.
10mm is great!!!
I also understand the intimacy of the relationship wtih the RE. Actually, funny story - before we went to SA for donor egg, I was seeing an RE for about a year at my clinic before we realized that a guy with whom my husband plays tennis is the director of the clinic. So I changed to him as my RE - nothing like having your bits on uber-display and then doing kissy cheek at the club..."nice to see you" takes on a whole new meaning :)
I'm so hopeful this is the one for you, Daisy. So many prayers coming your way.
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