I will get right to the point, I learned two things in the last week that have upset me. One, at my baseline ultrasound they found 2 endometrioma on each of my ovaries. They are moderately small. The RE didn't seem affected by it. Stupefied, I did not ask enough questions. He said that I would start Lupron on Saturday. It will be a 25 day shot and they will administer. I planned to e-mail him later with questions. I suspected endo when I found out that both my tubes were blocked. But we just pushed on because I had no other symptoms and had already been evaluated for it with no evidence. However this last ovulation was painful, bilaterally. This makes perfect sense with the endo. I did ask if it was transient or permanent...he said, "They don't go away". So fine, I was dealing with that. I'm not using my eggs so I thought if the uterus is unaffected how much will it decrease my odds of pregnancy? As I said, I did not ask questions.
On Monday, the day I planned to send him an e-mail with questions, I got a call from the donor coordinator telling me that they had missed a step in the screening process and that this donor had tested positive for nicotine but no one had caught it until NOW! Now, when I am days away from starting the protocol! Now, when I am in the processes of ordering all the meds. NOW! WTF?? Apparently, the test was done on June 1st. Clearly the clinic's fault but...donors are disqualified from the program when they test positive for nicotine because of how drastically it effects egg quality. The ONE thing I really need in a donor is egg quality. That's the one thing I cannot make. Even with an FSH of 6, my egg quality was abysmal.
The donor is supposed to come back and have another blood test today. She said that she only smokes when out drinking or camping. She said she had been smoking and overindulging in alcohol over a 3 day camping trip right before the initial testing. Okay, which part of this story bothers me??? This is what the coordinator told me. She said that they stress the importance of staying away from smoke if they are going to be in the donor program. It's just detrimental on egg quality.
It will be 48 hours before the test results. If it is positive again, she will be out of the program and we will be out of a donor. If it is not positive then, and I will quote the DC now, "...the doctor will give her the benefit of the doubt." Well I don't think I can do that. Even if it is negative what will that drinking and smoking binge do to the health of her eggs? I chose a donor to increase my odds and to lessen the risk of failure. Now what???
I'm really confused. The endo thing really bothers me because even if I wanted to use my eggs for some kind of miracle baby the odds are stacking up against that ever being an option. I know we can pick another donor, but that is another delay of who-fucking-knows-how-long, and they don't have anyone on deck.
I feel so upset. I need advise. I am not in a good state of mind. I just feel sick about it. I have spent so much time coming to terms with it all and was really feeling positive about it. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I just want to have a baby, before my body completely breaks down.
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4 comments:
dear daisy, I am so sorry to hear your news. I think its pretty important to feel A-ok about your donor, even if it does mean postponing things for a bit.
If you have doubts now, won't they increase should the transfer be successful? Do you really want to spend those months waiting to see if exposure to nicotene will adversely affect your little guy/gal?
I'm generally not one for stats but the connection between prenatal exposure to nicotene and even secondhand smoke to developmental delays are strong. I don't know if that translates to pre-prenatal (your donor smoking).
The fact that she ignored your coordinator's instructions and advice at this stage of the game also raises some red flags.
You know you can always email me privately if you want to talk.
hugs and best wishes,
m
Oh, I don't know. In the real world real women might smoke occasionally, drink coffee and get drunk, and their eggs are just fine.
But in the world where you're "paying" a lot of money to try to realise your dream... ack.
And as Maybe Baby says, you have to be happy when you start. You have to confident this is the best shot.
I think some fears and niggles are inevitable. The whole process will leave you fretting about somehting or another. But this looks like it's a red flag to you.
I think if it feels wrong to you, then now is the time to act on that bad feeling...
I would have to say the same... If you have ANY doubts or discomfort, then wait. Trust your own instincts and feelings on this, ither way you go.
It is absolutely true that in the real world many women drink wine and have the occasional ciggie before getting pregnant quickly and having healthy babies.
For those of us for whom this isn't the case, there is so much money involved, but I think the most frustrating thing of all is the lack of control we feel, and with anonymity of the donor comes all sorts of questions. For me I find I have to block these things out, or they would make me crazy...but in your case you've actually been told that she recently has been binge drinking and smoking. I completely understand how you're feeling right now, and the questions that are going through your mind. Her eggs are probably JUST FINE, but you have to be comfortable and confident moving forward. All the best to you in the next couple of days while you're sorting things out : )
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