How to feel young at 45

...I haven't a clue. Having Ethan has made me feel so very old. I used to be energetic and had no aches and pains. That's over now.Before him a lot of my energy came in a cup of Starbucks and that is gone now too. No caffeine since 2008. Well, there are times when I have a spot of Earl Grey. I'm not perfect. But I have to get my energy now from baby laughs and kisses. That's what is working for me now. Everyday I feel blessed to have ALL THIS! It is amazing to me. But that isn't what brings me to the blog today. I have been having a lot of mental and emotional struggles, so I thought I would share. Please excuse the ramble.

It seems that I have forgotten how NOT to try and get pregnant. Since having Ethan my mind continually drifts to trying again. After all, getting pregnant is what consumed me for the last 6 years. Before that, it didn't consume me it just haunted me. I do feel a big empty place where for 6 years was filled with appointments, REs, needles, pills, semen, eggs, monitoring, etc. Looking back I feel overwhelmed by what a commitment it was. If it wasn't for the blinding drive I had to become pregnant, I never would have made it through the process. I tell myself, "Look at him. He is HERE. There is no need to go searching for more.". Another thing troubles me, my other baby, his twin. I want/ed that baby so much. I grieve the loss still and most likely always will. I know that overall I am so lucky to have gotten pregnant and had the experience of pregnancy and have my little guy here with me. But still, I lament. I want both my babies. I try not to spend a lot of time in that space, but it comes to me, everyday.

To top it all off, there are the embryos. The rest of them. The potential genetic siblings of Ethan. I didn't know how much that would effect me after he was born. I have to tell myself that the embryos are NOT HIM. He is here with me. Still donating them feels like giving a part of him away, especially since he is a baby from double donors. The SD is willing to disclose after Ethan is 18 (if we can find him). The ED will always be anonymous. I feel like for him to connect on a genetic level, he may need a genetic sibling. Maybe not.

I have thought a lot about how to deal with our embryos. I feel so connected to them. I/we cannot have another child from my body nor from WW's. On top of that, I feel that our family is really complete as it is. So my dream scenario is to get to the point where I can let those embryos go to someone (if they get pregnant) who will maintain minimal contact with us over the years so the option for him to meet any genetic siblings is there. He may not want that. He may not need that. All I can do is create the option.

Genetic siblings are a big controversy among some donor recipients. Many parents do not want or feel the need to connect solely based on genetics. I am squarely in that camp. For me genetics do not make a family. However, I am not my son. His feelings about it may be entirely different and that is why even at the tender age of 4 months old, I am trying to provide options for him.

Both our daughters are genetically WW's, so they will always know one genetic parent. He is just in a different boat.

If you are new to the reproductive technology scene, please notice that I carefully referred to genetic relation not biological relation. This is because in the egg donor world, I am his biological parent, just not his genetic parent. It's all very complex, but so wonderful that this technology exists.

Just going back now to the driving force I needed to have a baby. I realize now that in my life there is always something BIG going on. Something that I need all my will and guts to get through. I realized a few weeks ago that the BIG something is gone. I felt lost, adrift. All this power and no where to apply it. I started thinking about remodeling the house. Visiting all the National Parks. Having cosmetic surgery. All of these things are not what I want right now. I just want to be here now. I want to live in these moments. Just stand still. So I am dealing with that. When I feel the impulse to run straight into a BIG thing, I just tell myself...I have everything I need right here.

While I am on the subject of change, what will I do about my poor neglected blog with so little readership? I am not going to Faceb00k. I will not Twi77er. What will I do? What will I write about? I did decide that I still have some rather big processes to go through. The embryo donation for one. I am also still reading your blogs in lurk mode. I hate to sound like an Oprah guest but...if even one person can learn something helpful from what I have experienced, then it's worth keeping my blog. If I get the point where I have nothing to blog, I guess I will just be still.

Another bonus at the end of a long and rambling post. My guy.

Our Story

Today our son is 3 months 2 weeks and 4 days old today. It is still so surreal to me. He is a strapping young lad. He is healthy and has a happy and mellow temperament. We are in LOVE with him.

If you have followed my blog (and not many of you are I am sure), we had a very challenging pregnancy. It included the loss of a twin and the fear of losing the entire pregnancy; my father shattering his pelvis prior to a surgery to remove cancer; my parents moving in with us; gestational diabetes; my own inability to walk (in the third trimester I was in a wheelchair for 90% of my mobility and a had to use a walker for the rest...essentially on bed rest; and a really good bout of depression before and after I gave birth to Mr. Baby. That's just a summary and does not include the flea infestation, head lice (don't ask), and our 3 year old cat peeing on everything we own a few week before he suddenly died. Yes, life is always a mixed bag of joy and sadness. Still I am happy and grateful and would do it all again to be sitting here typing this blog.

Here is our story.

In my 37th week I started to have contractions. Pretty good ones. At 37w1d (37weeks 1 day), on a Friday, we made arrangements to have the girls stay with friends because we were sure Mr. Baby was going to be born either 37w2d or 37w3d. We executed the whole "IT'S TIME Protocol 1.0". Instead of progressing contractions, they subsided by Sunday night and we picked up the girls. Over the next few days contractions were just always there about 20 minutes apart and not overly intense. But by the next week on Wednesday they were back and stronger. Thursday lunchtime, WW and I were watching a movie, it was the girls' last day of school and the contractions were gaining in strength and consistency. They were about 10 minutes apart and I had to stop talking during them, but they were manageable. WW thought that he was definitely on his way. I had my doubts. I wasn't going to get worked up over it. I didn't have the energy! But she convinced me to call the MD and tell them what was going on. My MD told me to come in and get checked. I was 38 weeks, one week away from my scheduled c/s. WW was still convinced he was coming, so on the way to the hospital we took our dogs to the kennel and made calls to arrange to have the girls picked up after school. It was starting to fee real but I think I was in a strange denial.

Once we got to the hospital WW dropped me off, put me in a wheelchair, and went to park the car. I felt like she was gone forever! I had no watch on, so when she walked up I said, "You've been gone for 3 contractions!". She said, "I wasn't even gone for 10 minutes, you know what that means?!". She was right, the contractions were getting more frequent. We checked into L&D and they got us a room and hooked me up to the belly monitors. Everything was really calm. He was doing marvelously. Great heart rate. My blood pressure was just a tad high. Nothing to get too concerned about. WW and I played cards, talked, watched some bad TV. Finally my doctor showed up and said that it looked like this was going to happen before the scheduled c/s so she suggested that we do the c/s that evening. I was so ready to have him that I was thrilled with her offer. Yes! Yes! Let's do it. They told us that at 7 PM the anesthesiologist would come in and go over all the consents with us. I told WW that at 6:30 PM I was going to use the restroom and "freshen up" before my big date in the OR. It was going perfectly. I was calm and happy.

So at 6:30 PM WW helped me up and the second my feet hit the floor my water broke. It gushed out along with a lot of blood. I was instantly in a huge amount of pain. I went from a pain level of 5 to a pain level of 10 in just a few minutes. WW flagged down the nurse who once she saw me sitting on the toilet got concerned immediately and told me to go back to bed. I was in transition and dialed, ready to go! The nurses started to hustle around and the anesthesiologist came in. I felt like he was talking in slow motion. At that point I would have consented to have an arm removed to get him to stop talking and get me to the OR! WW asked if we could speed things up a little and he stopped to lecture her about informed consent. UGH what a mistake!

Things were going on but I was blind and deaf because of the pain. They finally came to get me and once I got on the gurney I HAD to push. I told the nurse and she was adamant. She said, "YOU DON'T PUSH. YOU DON'T NEED TO PUSH. YOU NEED TO HOLD ON. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT C-SECTION IN JUST A FEW MINUTES. NO PUSHING!!" I was really caught off guard, but it worked. I started thinking about keeping him in, squeezing my legs together. I don't know how I did it because I really wanted to push.

They stopped WW and took her into a dressing room to change. All I could think of was hurry, hurry, hurry. I felt so vulnerable without her. The anesthesiologist that I hated so much, became my best friend. He was so quick and so good. I trusted him completely once I saw him in his element. In a few minutes, I could feel no pain and I was relaxed, totally relaxed. They put up the drape and I had come claustrophobic reactions to having it so near my face, but they moved back a little for me.

WW filmed the surgery. Near the end I got very nauseated and had to throw up. Not a huge deal, but for some reason I was afraid I would choke.

Then, I saw him. He was so big, so healthy, and so beautiful. I was stunned at how perfect he was. I was just in the moment. So happy. Once I knew he was fine, I started thinking about me. I needed to concentrate on recovery. I was in enormous pain. Despite the fact that I told them I don't do well with morphine they gave it to me anyway. I was very sick in recovery. WW told me that I threw up almost 2 liters. Can you imagine? Sadly, a pretty good amount landed on her. Thank goodness for scrubs and shoe covers!! I was too sick to hold him or to even look over at him much. But I knew he was fine. They tested his blood sugar and it was borderline low so they fed him a small amount of formula from a cup.

When I was stable enough, we moved to our room. If I had not been medicated I would have been up all night just holding him. I don't know what time we got into the room, but when the sun came up he was waking up and I got to nurse him for the first time. He was/is a great latcher. He made it easy for me to get started.

There is so much more to tell, but that is how we started off in the world together. I have just reported the news here without too much description of my emotions, but it was beyond what I hoped and dreamed it would be.

Fast forward to today for a moment. If you have made it this far you are if for a small treat.

Our Son

Our Son was born on June 11th at 7:38 pm. He is perfect!. We are overjoyed. Birth story to follow. Thank you for checking in on us!

37 Weeks Today

Just a quick post to say that we are going along quite nicely at 37 weeks today. Mr. Baby is probably around 9lbs right now (yikes!!). I go to bi-weekly NST testing and he is always a star performer. At my appointment next week we are going to discuss whether to let me go into labor on my own if the baby is not TOOOOO big or schedule a cesarean if he is. I don't really don't know. The only thing I do know, is that I don't want to be induced. Sounds like agony that leads to a cesarean. No thanks. Of course, I am trying to be flexible.

 

For now, the only thing we know for sure is that he is doing fine, I am hanging in there, and we will know more after next week. I can't believe that my lifetime dream of being pregnant and giving birth is going to come true. It is still so surreal. I am so grateful that I got to live this dream.

33 Weeks Today

Time is such an odd thing. On the one hand, time is dragging by; on the other, going by in a flash. 33 weeks today and I am feeling every bit of it. I still can't walk without a walker and when I am out, I am in a wheelchair (good times). There is a bright side of the pain and limitations. I get to work from home and see my family more often. There are lots of down sides to it, but I don't like to think about them...what good would it do?

Mr. Baby seems to be doing just fine. He is growing and moving around all the time. I expect that he is somewhere around 5.5 lbs by now. GD babies tend to run on the large side. My GD meds and diet are getting harder to control and my numbers can really jump around. Sometimes that means increasing the Gly*bu*ride. I am up to 11 mg per day and the max is 20 mg per day, so I think I will make it to the end of the pregnancy without having to go to insulin injections. It just make life harder to carry around syringes and insulin that has to be refrigerated. But really the GD is out of my control. It's all about the placenta.

I have another OB appointment on the 14th and I can't wait to see him, find out how much he might weigh, see what position he is in. I expect that he goes from breech to transverse and back again. I get most of my biggest "kicks" down low. I'm not going to stress about it at this point. Again, nothing I can do about it.

These days I mostly find myself thinking about how I will handle two big things...the heat and labor and delivery. We had a week of 80 degree weather and I was clearly not ready for it. I was unprepared for how heat really effects pregnant women this far along.

I think about L&D a lot too. I run scenarios through my head wondering if I can mentally prepare for anything. WW believes this is pre-mature, at least for this month. When June comes...then we will really be much closer.

My dad had surgery this weekend. They took out a cancerous mass and a lymph node. We don't know what kind of cancer it is. He has had melanoma removed from his face and we are all hoping that it isn't that. My parents have been living with us for three months. I expect it will be at least three more months until they are ready to transition to their home or some other facility. It really depends on the cancer, if he needs chemo, if his diabetes can get back under control, his memory problems, etc. It's been a really tough three months. Our house is still in disarray. No nursery. One dresser, the bassinet, and a rocking chair are in our bedroom (plus the walker and wheelchair). It's cramped. Nothing else is set up for the little guy. The bedroom furniture we bought for him is being used by my parents. Along with twin beds we bought as future bunk beds.

I have learned to let go of a lot of things, expectations, my personal wishes. It's a learning experience. I think that it will help me appreciate it more when I have things the way I want them. I mean, really, what do we need if not just each other?

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