Coming Back from Beyond

I actually have comments on this blog! After so many years, these readers must have really done some searching. Our DE son, Ethan, is 7 now. I don't regret a minute of the decision we made to challenge my infertility and keep trying. It's  not just because he is our prince, it's because. in my belief, I have only one life to live. It was a drive/need I had, to have the experience pregnancy and birth. Selfish, yes. No denying that.

Physically, I endured it and the gestational diabetes. Mentally, I thrived. Emotionally, I thrived. Financially, we are still paying. Over 4 years of very expensive treatment, cost over $100,000, which for, we middle class folks, is a lot of money. At one point in the process the $30,000 we had planned to spend was gone and we decided to take a 2nd mortgage on our home. Was it worth it? Absolutely! As a bonus for my selfish desires we have this amazing person. He is not genetically related to us but he is very much a part of us. His mannerisms, his sense of humor, his sensibilities.

He has has some issues and we don't know anything about where they came from...and that's ok. He is who he is and we accept him without the typical assumptions that he "gets that from his mom". It's easier for us I think, because all of our kids have some biology that we have no knowledge of. That is pretty standard landscape for lesbian parents.

The big question, have we told our families or Ethan that he is from a double donor embryo? The answer is, not yet. I have to say, it isn't easy. Our initial thought was to wait until my parents had passed away since they are very elderly. Why? Because we believed strongly they would not accept him or treat him like the other grandchildren. There is such bias that goes with biological ties and such stigma associated with donor eggs. Societally, donor egg stigma superseeds donor sperm stigma by miles. There is so much work to be done to raise consciousness and understanding around it. One friend who also used donor eggs was called a surrogate by someone she told. Really?

When the time is right he will know, and our families will know, when it no longer matters to them where he came from.

Three years already?

Three years old and perfect. I can't imagine what our lives would be like without him.

Happy Birthday my son.

Picture Perfect

100% Pure Love

Time Passes Quickly

I seem to be having the same problem as so many making-a-baby-bloggers, I just don't blog anymore now that the baby is here. *sigh*

Life with our little guy is just over the top with sweetness. We all adore him. He has a big personality and is so happy...except when it's not. He lets us know when he is unhappy. :)

He is 14 months old now and we have no regrets about the path we chose. Life has sped by so quickly that sometimes I don't even remember being pregnant. Over the last 14 months while joyous about our darling boy, I have grieved the loss of the twin that did not live and I have grieved not having any more children. Never being pregnant again. Do I wish? Yes I do. Especially since I have all those lovely frozen embies. I dream, that we win the lottery and we get to have a wonderful surrogate to help us make the dream a reality.

I realize that for me, my blog has been about the making a baby lifestyle and the longer I am connected to that the more it fuels the desire to keep going, just one more. Trying for a sibling that has some genetic connection to our beautiful boy. Not so much for me, but for him. This circles around in my head often, despite the grieving.

On the flip side of that is the utter joy we have in our lives. The chance to relish every little moment of his life, and through that the little moments of all of our lives. Such a beautiful thing to live in the moment.

I work from home now since May and WW is here with me taking care of our darlings. It has been a challenging summer but so rewarding too. Being able to be here with them all summer! What a treat! A great opportunity for us to be closer. We are truly now a settled family of 5.

I hear him waking up now from his nap. He is saying is favorite word "Ow". He says a lot of words in his little baby speak way.

This is my no regrets life.
No regrets.

Halloween 2008 versus Halloween 2009

Halloween 2008:

We had a trick-or-treating party

I was a few weeks pregnant

Started bleeding massively

Immediately laid down terrified that I was loosing our twins

 

Halloween 2009:

We had a trick-or-treating party

Held our adorable son all evening

Had a great time

Went to bed feeling lucky and grateful

 

I can't believe what a year it has been!

 

That felt so good...I think I'll do it again

...blog that is.

I could fill up every post with how wonderful it is to have Mr. Baby in our lives, but that is a given fact. Maybe I will save that until the end. :)

What has been on my mind is all the things I wondered about having a DS/ED baby. Let me tell you that the donors rarely every cross my mind. Even when someone mentions how much he looks like me or doesn't look like me. It just isn't a part of my awareness. It doesn't seem to matter. I already knew what is was like to be a mom to two girls who are not genetically related to me, since WW had our first two. I just didn't know what it would be like having given birth. The BIG difference has got to be the hormones. When our first daughter was born, I was the calm, rational, level headed one. I still reacted strongly to her cries and needs but not like I have Mr. Baby. When he cried I felt like my very existence relied on getting to him and giving him what he needed. I say this in the past tense because it has calmed down a bit over the last few weeks, but it's still there. I was the ultimate Mama bear even with WW which illustrated just how the hormones really work. She let me have total control over how things were handled, not that she had much choice.

If you follow my blog you know that the first person we will tell that he is from a double donor conception is him. Who he decides to tell is completely up to him. It is his information to share. No one is really aware of his beginnings and we are okay with that. We don't feel like we are hiding something or that we are liars. We feel like we are doing the right thing for our family. Now of course it is obvious that at least sperm donor were used to create all of them. But there is such a larger reaction to an egg donor than a sperm donor. Maybe society doesn't value men's role in reproduction very much. Maybe lots of men have facilitated that. At any rate we chose not to share the information about our sperm donors with others until the girls had that information first too. We did share the basic stats: height, weight, eye color, hair, but that was it. Now at the ages of 10 and 7 they are asking us more about the men that helped create them. We are completely willing to share all we know as they ask it of us.

We are just at the very beginning of these discussions. Their main interest so far has been ethnic heritage. They understand that they are made up of a combination of traits between WW and the donors and that these traits are sometimes tied to where your ancestors came from. So that's where we are right now. I have to say, it's pretty exciting to share this with them. We were very excited about picking the donor and now we get to talk about why.

They haven't really had a reaction to the fact that they are both conceived from different donors. I don't think that it has occurred to them that having the same donor is an option. But it DOES seem to be on EVERYONE else's mind. It baffles me to this day how many times we have been asked if they are from the same "father". Setting the "father" issue aside for a second. I don't get it. They don't look appreciably different from each other so I don't know what prompts this question but I have to say I find it VERY rude. Way too personal! I would never ask a divorced mother of three if her kids had different dads. Not my business. WW thinks I overreact to this question. I have answered it in a variety of ways, some of them not so nice. I mean really, do they think I am going to fill them in on the details? Maybe someone can help me understand why people ask this, but it bothers the  bejeezus out of me. The last response I gave was to the very polished and professional lawyer, wife of a politician who I barely knew. I said, "Why? Does it matter to you?". She was embarrassed at her sudden awareness that maybe that ISN'T an appropriate question, especially in front of a bunch of kids, two of them mine! URGH!!

Okay rant over.

I just wanted to share what it is like to have our girls coming into the awareness of their beginnings, since a lot of us are in this boat together.

How to feel young at 45

...I haven't a clue. Having Ethan has made me feel so very old. I used to be energetic and had no aches and pains. That's over now.Before him a lot of my energy came in a cup of Starbucks and that is gone now too. No caffeine since 2008. Well, there are times when I have a spot of Earl Grey. I'm not perfect. But I have to get my energy now from baby laughs and kisses. That's what is working for me now. Everyday I feel blessed to have ALL THIS! It is amazing to me. But that isn't what brings me to the blog today. I have been having a lot of mental and emotional struggles, so I thought I would share. Please excuse the ramble.

It seems that I have forgotten how NOT to try and get pregnant. Since having Ethan my mind continually drifts to trying again. After all, getting pregnant is what consumed me for the last 6 years. Before that, it didn't consume me it just haunted me. I do feel a big empty place where for 6 years was filled with appointments, REs, needles, pills, semen, eggs, monitoring, etc. Looking back I feel overwhelmed by what a commitment it was. If it wasn't for the blinding drive I had to become pregnant, I never would have made it through the process. I tell myself, "Look at him. He is HERE. There is no need to go searching for more.". Another thing troubles me, my other baby, his twin. I want/ed that baby so much. I grieve the loss still and most likely always will. I know that overall I am so lucky to have gotten pregnant and had the experience of pregnancy and have my little guy here with me. But still, I lament. I want both my babies. I try not to spend a lot of time in that space, but it comes to me, everyday.

To top it all off, there are the embryos. The rest of them. The potential genetic siblings of Ethan. I didn't know how much that would effect me after he was born. I have to tell myself that the embryos are NOT HIM. He is here with me. Still donating them feels like giving a part of him away, especially since he is a baby from double donors. The SD is willing to disclose after Ethan is 18 (if we can find him). The ED will always be anonymous. I feel like for him to connect on a genetic level, he may need a genetic sibling. Maybe not.

I have thought a lot about how to deal with our embryos. I feel so connected to them. I/we cannot have another child from my body nor from WW's. On top of that, I feel that our family is really complete as it is. So my dream scenario is to get to the point where I can let those embryos go to someone (if they get pregnant) who will maintain minimal contact with us over the years so the option for him to meet any genetic siblings is there. He may not want that. He may not need that. All I can do is create the option.

Genetic siblings are a big controversy among some donor recipients. Many parents do not want or feel the need to connect solely based on genetics. I am squarely in that camp. For me genetics do not make a family. However, I am not my son. His feelings about it may be entirely different and that is why even at the tender age of 4 months old, I am trying to provide options for him.

Both our daughters are genetically WW's, so they will always know one genetic parent. He is just in a different boat.

If you are new to the reproductive technology scene, please notice that I carefully referred to genetic relation not biological relation. This is because in the egg donor world, I am his biological parent, just not his genetic parent. It's all very complex, but so wonderful that this technology exists.

Just going back now to the driving force I needed to have a baby. I realize now that in my life there is always something BIG going on. Something that I need all my will and guts to get through. I realized a few weeks ago that the BIG something is gone. I felt lost, adrift. All this power and no where to apply it. I started thinking about remodeling the house. Visiting all the National Parks. Having cosmetic surgery. All of these things are not what I want right now. I just want to be here now. I want to live in these moments. Just stand still. So I am dealing with that. When I feel the impulse to run straight into a BIG thing, I just tell myself...I have everything I need right here.

While I am on the subject of change, what will I do about my poor neglected blog with so little readership? I am not going to Faceb00k. I will not Twi77er. What will I do? What will I write about? I did decide that I still have some rather big processes to go through. The embryo donation for one. I am also still reading your blogs in lurk mode. I hate to sound like an Oprah guest but...if even one person can learn something helpful from what I have experienced, then it's worth keeping my blog. If I get the point where I have nothing to blog, I guess I will just be still.

Another bonus at the end of a long and rambling post. My guy.

Our Story

Today our son is 3 months 2 weeks and 4 days old today. It is still so surreal to me. He is a strapping young lad. He is healthy and has a happy and mellow temperament. We are in LOVE with him.

If you have followed my blog (and not many of you are I am sure), we had a very challenging pregnancy. It included the loss of a twin and the fear of losing the entire pregnancy; my father shattering his pelvis prior to a surgery to remove cancer; my parents moving in with us; gestational diabetes; my own inability to walk (in the third trimester I was in a wheelchair for 90% of my mobility and a had to use a walker for the rest...essentially on bed rest; and a really good bout of depression before and after I gave birth to Mr. Baby. That's just a summary and does not include the flea infestation, head lice (don't ask), and our 3 year old cat peeing on everything we own a few week before he suddenly died. Yes, life is always a mixed bag of joy and sadness. Still I am happy and grateful and would do it all again to be sitting here typing this blog.

Here is our story.

In my 37th week I started to have contractions. Pretty good ones. At 37w1d (37weeks 1 day), on a Friday, we made arrangements to have the girls stay with friends because we were sure Mr. Baby was going to be born either 37w2d or 37w3d. We executed the whole "IT'S TIME Protocol 1.0". Instead of progressing contractions, they subsided by Sunday night and we picked up the girls. Over the next few days contractions were just always there about 20 minutes apart and not overly intense. But by the next week on Wednesday they were back and stronger. Thursday lunchtime, WW and I were watching a movie, it was the girls' last day of school and the contractions were gaining in strength and consistency. They were about 10 minutes apart and I had to stop talking during them, but they were manageable. WW thought that he was definitely on his way. I had my doubts. I wasn't going to get worked up over it. I didn't have the energy! But she convinced me to call the MD and tell them what was going on. My MD told me to come in and get checked. I was 38 weeks, one week away from my scheduled c/s. WW was still convinced he was coming, so on the way to the hospital we took our dogs to the kennel and made calls to arrange to have the girls picked up after school. It was starting to fee real but I think I was in a strange denial.

Once we got to the hospital WW dropped me off, put me in a wheelchair, and went to park the car. I felt like she was gone forever! I had no watch on, so when she walked up I said, "You've been gone for 3 contractions!". She said, "I wasn't even gone for 10 minutes, you know what that means?!". She was right, the contractions were getting more frequent. We checked into L&D and they got us a room and hooked me up to the belly monitors. Everything was really calm. He was doing marvelously. Great heart rate. My blood pressure was just a tad high. Nothing to get too concerned about. WW and I played cards, talked, watched some bad TV. Finally my doctor showed up and said that it looked like this was going to happen before the scheduled c/s so she suggested that we do the c/s that evening. I was so ready to have him that I was thrilled with her offer. Yes! Yes! Let's do it. They told us that at 7 PM the anesthesiologist would come in and go over all the consents with us. I told WW that at 6:30 PM I was going to use the restroom and "freshen up" before my big date in the OR. It was going perfectly. I was calm and happy.

So at 6:30 PM WW helped me up and the second my feet hit the floor my water broke. It gushed out along with a lot of blood. I was instantly in a huge amount of pain. I went from a pain level of 5 to a pain level of 10 in just a few minutes. WW flagged down the nurse who once she saw me sitting on the toilet got concerned immediately and told me to go back to bed. I was in transition and dialed, ready to go! The nurses started to hustle around and the anesthesiologist came in. I felt like he was talking in slow motion. At that point I would have consented to have an arm removed to get him to stop talking and get me to the OR! WW asked if we could speed things up a little and he stopped to lecture her about informed consent. UGH what a mistake!

Things were going on but I was blind and deaf because of the pain. They finally came to get me and once I got on the gurney I HAD to push. I told the nurse and she was adamant. She said, "YOU DON'T PUSH. YOU DON'T NEED TO PUSH. YOU NEED TO HOLD ON. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT C-SECTION IN JUST A FEW MINUTES. NO PUSHING!!" I was really caught off guard, but it worked. I started thinking about keeping him in, squeezing my legs together. I don't know how I did it because I really wanted to push.

They stopped WW and took her into a dressing room to change. All I could think of was hurry, hurry, hurry. I felt so vulnerable without her. The anesthesiologist that I hated so much, became my best friend. He was so quick and so good. I trusted him completely once I saw him in his element. In a few minutes, I could feel no pain and I was relaxed, totally relaxed. They put up the drape and I had come claustrophobic reactions to having it so near my face, but they moved back a little for me.

WW filmed the surgery. Near the end I got very nauseated and had to throw up. Not a huge deal, but for some reason I was afraid I would choke.

Then, I saw him. He was so big, so healthy, and so beautiful. I was stunned at how perfect he was. I was just in the moment. So happy. Once I knew he was fine, I started thinking about me. I needed to concentrate on recovery. I was in enormous pain. Despite the fact that I told them I don't do well with morphine they gave it to me anyway. I was very sick in recovery. WW told me that I threw up almost 2 liters. Can you imagine? Sadly, a pretty good amount landed on her. Thank goodness for scrubs and shoe covers!! I was too sick to hold him or to even look over at him much. But I knew he was fine. They tested his blood sugar and it was borderline low so they fed him a small amount of formula from a cup.

When I was stable enough, we moved to our room. If I had not been medicated I would have been up all night just holding him. I don't know what time we got into the room, but when the sun came up he was waking up and I got to nurse him for the first time. He was/is a great latcher. He made it easy for me to get started.

There is so much more to tell, but that is how we started off in the world together. I have just reported the news here without too much description of my emotions, but it was beyond what I hoped and dreamed it would be.

Fast forward to today for a moment. If you have made it this far you are if for a small treat.

Our Son

Our Son was born on June 11th at 7:38 pm. He is perfect!. We are overjoyed. Birth story to follow. Thank you for checking in on us!

37 Weeks Today

Just a quick post to say that we are going along quite nicely at 37 weeks today. Mr. Baby is probably around 9lbs right now (yikes!!). I go to bi-weekly NST testing and he is always a star performer. At my appointment next week we are going to discuss whether to let me go into labor on my own if the baby is not TOOOOO big or schedule a cesarean if he is. I don't really don't know. The only thing I do know, is that I don't want to be induced. Sounds like agony that leads to a cesarean. No thanks. Of course, I am trying to be flexible.

 

For now, the only thing we know for sure is that he is doing fine, I am hanging in there, and we will know more after next week. I can't believe that my lifetime dream of being pregnant and giving birth is going to come true. It is still so surreal. I am so grateful that I got to live this dream.

33 Weeks Today

Time is such an odd thing. On the one hand, time is dragging by; on the other, going by in a flash. 33 weeks today and I am feeling every bit of it. I still can't walk without a walker and when I am out, I am in a wheelchair (good times). There is a bright side of the pain and limitations. I get to work from home and see my family more often. There are lots of down sides to it, but I don't like to think about them...what good would it do?

Mr. Baby seems to be doing just fine. He is growing and moving around all the time. I expect that he is somewhere around 5.5 lbs by now. GD babies tend to run on the large side. My GD meds and diet are getting harder to control and my numbers can really jump around. Sometimes that means increasing the Gly*bu*ride. I am up to 11 mg per day and the max is 20 mg per day, so I think I will make it to the end of the pregnancy without having to go to insulin injections. It just make life harder to carry around syringes and insulin that has to be refrigerated. But really the GD is out of my control. It's all about the placenta.

I have another OB appointment on the 14th and I can't wait to see him, find out how much he might weigh, see what position he is in. I expect that he goes from breech to transverse and back again. I get most of my biggest "kicks" down low. I'm not going to stress about it at this point. Again, nothing I can do about it.

These days I mostly find myself thinking about how I will handle two big things...the heat and labor and delivery. We had a week of 80 degree weather and I was clearly not ready for it. I was unprepared for how heat really effects pregnant women this far along.

I think about L&D a lot too. I run scenarios through my head wondering if I can mentally prepare for anything. WW believes this is pre-mature, at least for this month. When June comes...then we will really be much closer.

My dad had surgery this weekend. They took out a cancerous mass and a lymph node. We don't know what kind of cancer it is. He has had melanoma removed from his face and we are all hoping that it isn't that. My parents have been living with us for three months. I expect it will be at least three more months until they are ready to transition to their home or some other facility. It really depends on the cancer, if he needs chemo, if his diabetes can get back under control, his memory problems, etc. It's been a really tough three months. Our house is still in disarray. No nursery. One dresser, the bassinet, and a rocking chair are in our bedroom (plus the walker and wheelchair). It's cramped. Nothing else is set up for the little guy. The bedroom furniture we bought for him is being used by my parents. Along with twin beds we bought as future bunk beds.

I have learned to let go of a lot of things, expectations, my personal wishes. It's a learning experience. I think that it will help me appreciate it more when I have things the way I want them. I mean, really, what do we need if not just each other?

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How Many Pillows Does it Take?

So much has been going on I hardly have a chance to think. My mom and dad are living with us for at least the next 4-6 months, conservatively. It has been a challenge. It is such a major adjustment for all of us. We are taking it one day at at time. Much of the work has fallen on WW. What ever life she had is really consumed by home. She needs a vacation. My mom does almost all of the hygiene care is never more than 15 feet away from him. He is healing, slowly. They sent a therapist out to our house to assess his memory and cognitive function. He was very disappointed with his lack of ability. His doctor will be pulling his license so he cannot drive. That has been a really hard reality for them to face, since my mother has not driven for 9 years because she is partially blind from Macular Degeneration. Loosing that independence has made them both very depressed. I can't blame them. When it is my time to stop driving...I'm not going to go quietly...but I will stop because I know it's the right thing to do. We have thought that he should not be driving for the last 2 years, so it is a relief on many levels.

 

Mr. Baby has not gotten the attention that I had hoped, but I am dealing with that. Just being able to be pregnant is a gift. Knowing that he is there waiting to be born and meet us face to face is the best gift.

 

Unfortunately I have developed some pretty bad physical problems at this stage in the pregnancy. About week 22 my knees were starting to be very sore. I had an old injury in the right knee and it started to really flare up after being without pain for 3 years. Then the left knee started to swell and be painful. Now at nearly 28 weeks I can barely walk. To walk more than 20 feet is excruciating. Really. I have only gained 10 pounds in the pregnancy due to a big weight loss in the first trimester of 15 pounds. I don't think it's the extra weight. I think my knees just don't like the loosy goosy joints of pregnancy.

 

I went to my GP because sometimes I just don't know which MD to go to. Anyway she gave me a disabled parking sticker and requested that I telecommute to work for the next three weeks.

 

I only take Tylenol and honestly I am not comfortable with the amount I am taking, but it's that or...don't walk, don't stand, and use a diaper. There are enough people in this house using diapers. That's not somewhere I want to go.

 

I have other ailments, back pain, sleepless nights, painful and sore hips, a serious lack of urine retention, and a lot of lower abdominal pain (I am carrying low), but none of these amount to the pain of tyring to walk. I can't even stand up straight. I also ice my knees 3-4 times a day to get the inflammation down. The inflammation wraps all the way around from the front to the back of my knees. I have tried a cane, walker, and sometimes my dad's wheelchair. The cane and walker put a great deal of weird pressure on my lower abdomen. So much so that it occasionally creates major ligament pain and even some contractions. So those options are not going to work for me.

 

My Gestational Diabetes is under control with the help of Gly*bu*ride. I have had to increase my dose about every two weeks (up about a 1/2 a tab). At this rate I will be on insulin by the end of the pregnancy. I'm not sure I even care. It really takes a backseat to my knee problems. I just want to walk.

 

No off line baby shopping for me. I would ask WW to wheel me around in my dad's wheelchair through the stores but neither one of us can take that time right now.

 

Because of all that has gone on I have gotten very far behind at work. I have to teach myself how to work from home. It's not as easy as it sounds. So far my boss is understanding but not making deadlines is a big problem, so I try to work on weekends to supplement the time I spend trying to take care of myself and helping take care of my parents. It's a lot.

 

In spite of it all it is the lack of walking that has taken the biggest toll on me. It makes me cry many times a day and makes me feel so bad for WW and all she has to do.

 

Until next time...

 

 

6 Months...really!

I can't believe I am at 6 months. Most of my adult life I believed I would never be pregnant and yet, here we are.

 

I have grown a great deal in the last month. I am completely in maternity wear now, with the exception of some really big sweat pants that used to be very loose. My knees and hips have started to complain, a lot. Sleeping is a challenge too. I spend 2 hours on the right side, two hours on the left side, and the rest of the night I am semi-upright. That way I feel like I am giving all sides a chance to ache, even the tail bone. I have a little pregnancy acne going on but it's hardly a big deal. Nothing on me is really swollen (I know, give it time) and my blood pressure is great.

 

The biggest challenge is getting the Gestational Diabetes under control. I take meds for it 3 times a day (before breakfast, before dinner, and at bed time). My meal numbers are finally under 130, which is what they want. But my fasting morning number has been above 90 every day with the exception of 3 days. I wish I knew why. It is a lot of planning, testing on time, and being very vigilant about food and tracking. I'm okay at all of that and still I can't get that AM number down. I run from 100 to 120 when fasting. I even tried eating at 4 am, which some GD moms do. It didn't help me. So I don't know what they will give me to control it. I'd be happy to get up in the night and take some meds if it meant that my liver would not start kicking up the blood glucose in the night. Overall, it has been as Roni said, a pain in the ass, but totally do-able.

 

On the Dad front, he is not doing as well as the doctors would like him to. He is in a physical rehab facility and staying there to get treatment depends largely on the progress you make. He isn't progressing fast enough to stay in. They recommended a facility with a higher level of care, but since they/we cannot afford that and he is having surgery again in a month, he is coming to live with us for the interim.

 

He will be moving into our old office, which is where we were putting the nursery. It's a disappointment to be sure. It's not just that we can't set up the nursery, but the entire pregnancy has been so different than what I pictured and what I wanted. I have to deal with that and let myself feel sad about it, even though just being pregnant is such a wonderful thing. I also have to let go of what I had hoped for. If there is one thing that infertility has taught me, it is that I am able to cope with many challenges and I am stronger than I think. If all goes well our little guy will be with us, sort of the way we picture it, for the rest of our lives. That is what is most important to me.

 

 

The GD GD, Plus a Side of Stess and Sadness

How's your weather. Here, it's raining shit.

 

My three big bullet points

• Gestational Diabetes, not under control, just started Gl*yburide
• I have the flu
• My dad had an accident and broke his pelvis in 6 places

See? Raining shit.

 

My dad's accident really trumps all. He is in the hospital. He is 79. It happened the day before my parents 50th wedding anniversary. The stress and the sadness are huge. I can't even describe what we are going through, what my mother is going through. His recovery, if there are no complications will be at least 3 months.

 

My GD is complicated by the flu and the stress, but even before that my blood work numbers pretty much sucked. Fasting always over 100. Breakfast always over 150. Dinner always over 160...unless I eat nearly zero carbs, which is not good for Mr. Baby.

 

Mr. Baby seems okay and strong. He kicks me regularly, which I love. I always say thank you, sometimes out loud. I have not been able to get a hand on my belly during a kick, so I am the only one who has felt him. Sometimes his kicks are just above my belly button but often he is breech and is using my bladder as a trampoline.

 

More as I know more.

20 Week Scan

I have been terrible about blogging. Work and fatigue have just gobbled me up. Let me do some updating.

 

My 3 hour glucose tolerance test came back "abnormal" so I will be going on the Gestational Diabetes diet. The problem is that I couldn't get an appointment for a few weeks due to my schedule and limited times slots over at "Sweet Success" (sounds like a cookie start up company). So my appointment is this week. That didn't stop me from limiting some of the no-no carbs and being much more careful with what I eat and when. The only part that I do not have in place is the blood monitoring, which I will begin doing 4 times a day, as soon as my appointment happens. Initially I felt like I had failed somehow and I was nervous about staying on a diet and prescribed eating times (since I have been pretty hungry and have had some big cravings), but I have had time to deal with that and hope I will do well over the next 20 weeks.

 

In the last few days I have really felt the baby kicking and moving around. Last night I felt him from the inside and from the outside where my hand was resting. I was so excited I yelled out and startled WW. It's a wonderful and amazing experience and I feel so grateful to be able to have it. I don't take one second for granted.

 

We had our 20 week scan today and everything, yes everything was normal...right on target. It was a huge relief. Although the Doppler has helped with my sanity, seeing him on the screen and knowing that he and I both checked out well was monumental. I know I don't have to write all the crazy and fearful thoughts that have gone through my mind in the last several weeks. I feel like I can breath and relax a little.

 

I need to make more time to blog since it helps me and since it soothes the fears of those who care about me. Thank you for asking me to come back.

 

All is well. All is well.

It's Been Too Long

It has been too long since I have blogged. For those of you who asked (and thank you) I am doing well. At our 12 week ultrasound we saw that only one of the twins had survived. We spend the last month adjusting to that reality. It was especially hard for me because I wanted twins so badly. I am now a little over 16 weeks.

 

Two things that saved me from certain insanity were one, we rented a Doppler. We were able to hear the baby at 13 weeks. I was thrilled. We use it nearly everyday for just a couple of minutes. The piece of mind it has brought me! It is worth its weight in gold, but luckily it's only $30 per month courtesy of B.aby B.eats.

 

It also helped that we had a 16 week appointment. We were able to see the baby very clearly squirming and twisting around. All of a sudden the tech switched to 4D and we were able to see a little head and face with two little arms and hands up by the head. I had no idea how wonderful that would be. The tech asked us if we wanted her to try and identify the sex of the baby. We both eagerly said YES! She was able to say with certainty that this little baby is a BOY! I was so sure HE was a girl but we have grown quite fond of the idea of having a son.

 

I finally feel like this is all real. I have relaxed quite a bit in the last 4 weeks and settled into the idea that it might just work out! That is a really different place for me. We started telling some people, just a few, and WW has been loving every minute of spreading the word. She is so excited. I cannot believe that she was once so ambivalent and uncertain. When I get home from work she tells me how many people she told that day and what they said. Damn it's cute.

 

Today I am off work because I took the 3 hour gluco.se toll.erance test. I took the 1 hour at week 14 because my family has a strong history of diabetes. It came back at 163 and they like to see 130. Bummer. I can only hope I pass the three hour. I had such a knee jerk reaction to failing the first one I cut drastically back on carbs. Apparently that is the WRONG thing to do. From what I have read it makes your insulin production "relax" so when it IS hit with a large amount of carbs it appears to be very inefficient. Honestly, the things I do to myself. I am hopeful that I will pass. I am not going to worry about it at this point.

 

I still have some rather big milestones to cross in the next few weeks. I have not told my boss nor anyone at work. I have essentially be hiding the belly. It's not super large but it is starting to poke out now and I am looking into getting some more comfortable maternity wear in the next two weeks. It's horrible to be stuffed into a corporate suit with no wiggle room. The growth is all in the front, since I am still 2 pounds down from my pre-pregnancy weight. Losing that 12 pounds bought me some extra time with my clothes, but that time is approaching an end. I will be happy when my boss knows. He works on the East coast and I am on the West coast so unless I tell him, he won't see it happening.

 

Lately I feel like a big weight is off my shoulders. I am happy to be where I am. I am looking forward to meeting our little boy when the time is right. I feel like this is my last big life long dream come true.

Short Journey

Please lend your support and caring for my friends at The Maybe Baby who saw their baby girl twins for the first and last time on December 5th. My heart aches for them.

First Peri Appointment - 12 weeks

This is a hard post for me. Yesterday I saw my Perinatologist for the first time. I was so excited and happy all day. I couldn't wait to see the twins! When it came to the scan we saw one beautiful baby, measuring 12w4d. He/she was clearly asleep, so we woke her/him up! Then there was a lot of wriggling twisting. The NT test was done and all looked excellent. All within normal range. Heart beat was 160 BPM. We were so happy.

 

When the U/S tech tried to find the other baby, we could see that there was a sac that was essentially empty. There was a small amount of fetal tissue, but the baby had died. According to the Peri, it probably happened about two weeks ago. At 10 weeks I noticed a change in my symptom intensity and maybe it is a coincidence. I don't know.

 

Even though I knew that this was a possibility I was still so surprised because the 8 week scan was so great for both of them. WW was completely in shock. She is extremely upset. She had completely embraced the idea and joy of twins. We are so sad today. We have only told a few people about the twins, but it will be very hard to tell them there is only one growing.

 

I am going through all of the mental and emotional fallout. There is fear. Fear that something will go wrong with this baby as well. I know we still have a baby growing but yesterday, I didn't feel pregnant anymore. Then at dinner, it struck me...I'm still pregnant. I just don't know how to be pregnant with one baby. I will adjust. We will recover emotionally. It will take time. We are very, very sad.

 

The other smaller news by comparison is that the bleed/clot was not clearly visualized. I have not had bleeding since the day before Thanksgiving. The did find a tiny fibroid.The have no concerns about either of these.

Hard to Hide

Lately, especially the last week or so, it's been hard to hide the fact that the front of me is growing. Already having some weight on the belly, I am sure that it looks like more of the same to most. But to me and my top button on my pants, the increase feels bigger than it probably looks. I have been covering up more. I am not ready for people at work to know.

 

It does raise a question though, when did you tell your boss you were pregnant? Because WW works in a hospital around hazardous biological materials and radiation, she told her boss the moment we knew, after the double pink lines. But I work in an office setting and I'm just not sure when to tell him. He is a new boss for me (just 2 months working for him) because I was reassigned to a new consulting project. So...what to do? I guess I should go to HR and get the real scoop on maternity leave and long term leave as well. I have read all the company policies, but that wont tell me the real story of what their options are. Any advice?

 

In other news there are only 3 more sleeps until my big 12 week work-up. I can't wait! I hope that all is well. I have been having many rotating symptoms. I am never symptom free but they do like to take turns. I have heartburn and acid reflux every day all day and at night. But then, I will have a day where I don't have it, but in exchange I get THE BIG headache. Then the headache subsides and I get major nausea for a while.

 

I have certain symptoms I can count on.

Every night I get up 2 or more times to use the restroom.

Every morning I gag brushing my teeth.

Around 10 am I am starving, even if I had a snack at 9 am. Of course I can only eat a little because of the heartburn, etc.

Every day around 2 pm the fatigue hits me. I yawn and yawn. I can barely keep my eyes open. I am just looking for a place to lay down. That lasts until I go to bed.

I have nausea every day many times per day. But it really hits around 4 pm every afternoon and lasts until 6:30 or 7 pm. It's intense. Lots of panting, salivating, and pleading for it to go away. Any sign or smell of food during this time is a nightmare for me. So I usually sequester myself in the far corner of the house to avoid dinner time.

At around 9 pm I am hungry no matter when I ate and I have made it a habit to have some bran cereal at this time to get me through until morning.

 

These are the times that reassure me that my body is being taken over by aliens. Wonderful, sweet, adorable aliens, that I have longed to carry for most of my life.